Stay At Home Moms

I'd like to point out that there's a difference between a housewife and a stay at home mom. Just like there's a difference between a housekeeper and a nanny.  That said, I've been a SAHM for 18 years. I'm glad I have the time to run errands, clean, do the laundry, because that stuff has to be done anyway and lord knows it often falls more on the mom than the dad. Not always because of gender roles, often it's because the woman has higher standards for how things should be done.  But I also realize that I haven't paid into social security for 18 years, which will hurt when I file for it. And I have no 401k or pension. I have a huge gap in my employment history and am not up to date with what most jobs require. (This is why alimony exists, btw.) I don't know if I'll ever be able to work a real job again. My kids have issues I have to take them to appointments for, the school calls me a couple times a month to go pick up someone because they're sick, and it's not always possible to schedule everything after 4pm. I have to be here to get my kids to school and drive them home in the afternoon, the weekend is the only time I really get to spend with my family due to my husband's late work hours and the kids' homework and activities. So I'd need a job from 8:30-2:30, weekdays only, that doesn't mind me leaving for sick kids or appointments. With no experience, training, or even work history required. I spend the time my kids are in karate class at a bar act the street from the dojo, having the only adult conversation I ever get with anyone other than my husband. But honestly, I love my life. Even when I'm in a mood or feel depressed I recognize that I have a wonderful family that I not only love but also like, a strong and happy marriage of 18 years, a nice house, and we're not only financially stable but also have a decent savings built up. And I think part of what helps my marriage be strong and happy is that I don't have a bunch of work stress, I don't have resentment from splitting housework, and I don't need to worry about losing a job or making my kid sit in the nurse's office for a day when the school calls me that one needs to come home. And I do have a job, just not a paid one. I clean the house my way and the family knows to stay out of my way and where to put the dirty dishes, laundry, mending, etc. I know which stores have the cheaper things so when I do the shopping I save money by going to 3 or 4 places, because I have the time to do that. I have my systems to keep the house running smoothly and keep track of everyone's obligations. I'm a housekeeper, a nanny, a chauffeur, a personal shopper, a therapist, and an executive assistant. All for free. And my husband appreciates this. In fact, I have more life insurance than he does because if he dies we get survivor's benefits and his 401k but if I die he gets little to none of that, plus he has to quit his job and find one where he's not leaving at 5am and getting home at 7pm.

My Secrets To A Happy Marriage

Disclaimer: these are things that keep my marriage strong. Your marriage is between you and your spouse and you need to do things that work for you. 

Commitment, which unfortunately includes putting up with stuff you might not put up with from someone you weren't married to. When old married couples say, "we fixed things when they broke rather than throw them away," that means they put up with stuff long enough to find a compromise or resolution.  

Communication. No one can read minds. Reading between the lines, picking up on signals, taking hints, or "if you loved me, I wouldn't have to tell you," all lead to disaster. Just blurt shit out. "I don't like when you..." "I need ... from you." "I want to ..."

Honesty. If a marriage is going to last, you can't lie a lot. For one thing, you'll trip up and get caught. But for another, you'll resent feeling like you have to lie. They're not your parent, they're your partner. If the consequences of doing something aren't worth it, just don't do it. 

Politeness. Don't be rude just because you're in your own house. It's a shared home and it's theirs too. Say please and thank you. Try to minimize burps and farts. Warn them when you've destroyed the bathroom (and light a candle). 

Compliment them. Their outfit, the dinner they made, their new haircut. And if there's nothing particular right now to compliment, just tell them how lucky you are to have them. If they're struggling, compliment them more. For one thing, it's nice to hear compliments. But for another, positive motivation works much better than negative motivation. "I noticed you cleaned the kitchen, it looks really good," will get the kitchen cleaned more than, "Could you clean the kitchen more, it's filthy." 

Trust. Make a conscious decision to trust the person. Most suspicions come from personal insecurities rather than actual suspicious behavior. Let him have female friends. Let her have male friends. If someone else flirts with your partner, trust your partner. Or if you must say something to the flirter, try, "I saw you talking to my spouse. I can't blame you for flirting -- believe me I see why you would -- but there's no point. (S)he's married and we don't have an open marriage."  And set realistic boundaries. In a lifelong marriage they WILL find someone else attractive, probably lots of people. It's unreasonable to expect them not to. It is reasonable to expect them not to act on it, and not to tell you about it, and to try to be discreet. But if you have a beautiful friend he's going to know they're beautiful. You can either hassle your partner and drive them away or decide to trust them. If they're going to cheat, they're going to cheat. Being suspicious and jealous and forbidding friendships has never kept someone from cheating. But it has pushed people to it.

things I love, for me

1. Neil Hillborn poetry

2. Skinny jeans, but not cropped or ankle. I like long jeans.

3. Ac/dc. I like almost every song they've done. 

4. Snug ankle socks. In winter, snug crew socks. Thick ones.

5. That one style Victoria Secret bra, in beige and black and red. Beige for every day. Black for when the straps will show. Red to be a hint for Tom.

6. Basil plants. I always love having a renewable source of basil

7. Massage! Gift certificates for massage are WONDERFUL!!!!

8. Tattoos

9. Getting my hair done 

10. John Sandford books

11. Clear sodas

12. Coors Light Draft

13. Nailhead trim 

14. Garden gnomes, but the British kind with faces, not the Swedish ones with just a hat and a nose

15. Long sleeved, ankle length, cotton nightgowns. The grandma kind with lace trim and ruffles

16. Houseplants

17. Writing long comments on Reddit and Quora

18. Journaling

19. Ramones tee shirts

20. 3/4 length sleeves

21. The kind of shirts that the lady on the cop show who the cops go to talk to and she's working in her garden and stands up, takes off her gardening gloves, and wipes her hands on her pants before asking them why they're there wears. (Oddly specific, I know.) 

22. Watching TV with Tom and he lays down with his head in my lap

23. Mail order weed gummies 

gender studies

Gender is not sex and sex is not gender. Basically, sex is the role that a body would play in reproduction, to fertilize or to be fertilized. This is how we can say that male seahorses are the ones who get pregnant, because pregnancy is unrelated to sex as a biological concept the female seahorse carries the eggs, the male carries the sperm, it's just that the male carries the fertilized eggs to term. To be blunt, SHE ejaculates into HIM.  So, that's what sex is, and not everyone falls into those 2 categories. Basic, that is to say simplistic and incomplete, biology tells us that there are 2 sex chromosomes, X and Y. Females have XX and males have XY. Simple right? Well, usually.

For people with Turner Syndrome, there is only one and it is X. Babies are born with external female genitalia but have no ovaries and therefore do not grow breasts or menstruate.  For people with Klinefelter Syndrome, there are 3 sex chromosomes, XXY. These babies are born appearing to be male but do not develop normally. Manifestations of Klinefelter Syndrome include undersized testicles, faint or non-existent body and facial hair, abnormally soft skin, and breast development. Five alpha-reductase 2 deficiency occurs when an XY fetus does not respond to testosterone in the womb and therefore appears to be female at birth, but upon puberty does respond to testosterone and develops as any other male. So you have a baby girl and then 13 years later she grows chest hair, her voice drops, and her clitoris grows into as much of a penis as it can at that point. Chimerism is when 2 eggs are fertilized but one embryo is absorbed by the other, giving the resulting baby 2 separate sets of DNA which can manifest as a child of ambiguous sex. In this case some of the body's cells will be XX and some will be XY. If all of the genitals have the same sex, this could go unnoticed forever. You may end up with one ovary that appears to be an undescended testicle, or one undescended testicle that is presumed to be an ovary. Since people rarely get DNA tested, especially against other parts of themselves, no one knows how common chimerism is.  

Then we have XY embryos who are simply immune to testosterone altogether. They are born appearing female and develop as such. They don't have a uterus and their gonads aren't really testicles or ovaries, but that's rarely noticed until they fail to menstruate and even then they're often just considered women born without a uterus. They are very feminine in appearance because while most women have some level of testosterone, these don't, or at least they don't respond to it. 

So that's what sex is, and some of the ways it's not as cut and dried as basic (incomplete) biology classes would have had us believe. But what about gender? Gender is the masculine and feminine, it is the manifestation of sex for most of us but even that is a spectrum. From "sensitive" boys to tomboys, and from macho men to girly girls, we all express gender in our own ways. Because we are who we are, and what we consider to be manly or womanly changes with religion, culture, environment, tradition, and all sorts of other influences. Hair length, clothing, names, all of it is societal. At one point not too long ago voting, owning property, wearing pants, and going to war were all considered masculine, but women do these things every day now and no one bats an eye. A hundred and fifty years ago a doctor named Leslie or Robin with short hair and pants would have OBVIOUSLY been a man. But gender changes with time, because it's not a biological constant.

Friday Night Crockpot Potato Soup

Ingredients:

1 quart of chicken stock, homemade is best but a carton will work

1/2 packet of dry onion soup mix or one small minced onion

1 can of Campbell's Cream of Bacon soup

1 package frozen Southern style hash browns

2/3 cup sour cream

8oz shredded smoked Gouda cheese OR 8oz shredded Gouda cheese and 1 tsp liquid smoke

4 cloves of garlic, smashed

1 tsp table salt

1/2 tsp black pepper

4oz beer, the darker the better

Cumin to taste

Directions:

1. In a large crockpot mix chicken stock, onion or soup mix, cream of bacon soup, beer, garlic and salt and pepper. 

2. Add frozen potatoes and stir until wet.

3. Cook on low for the day or high for 3 hours and low for one.

4. When the soup is ready to eat, add the sour cream.

5. With a stick blender, blend to desired consistency.

6. Fold in the cheese.

7. Season to taste with cumin and add more smoke if needed.

*Feel free to garnish with chives, spring onions, or crumbled bacon

If necessary you can thin this with chicken stock or thicken it with instant mashed potatoes, but be aware that it will thicken on it's own while cooling.

It all just sucks so much

I can keep my shit together, pounds and pounds of outward pressure held together with string, 99% of the time. But the 1% of the time when it spills into someone else's radar I'm suddenly a mess who needs to get her shit together or get the fuck out.  I get it, nobody wants to see my breakdowns. I don’t want to see my breakdowns. But 3 hours of some lady crying,, or asleep in an emotional coma, within your range of vision isn't shit.  Trust me. I live with this and if you didn't trip over a corpse, you didn't see shit.

The Irony of Middle Age

1. Losing weight easily is now more worrisome than thrilling.

2. My "happy pills" bottle in my purse is now just for digestive problems. Pepto, Imodium, Gas-X, you get the picture.

3. The natural highlights I wanted when I was young have finally come in, in white.

4. I finally learned how to walk in heels and now my ankles are weak.

5. It took me a decade to lose the baby weight enough to go out without Spanx, but now I need shapewear for my upper arms.

6. The saying about women hitting their sexual peak in their 40s has come true, but I seem to have hit my 'getting tired at 8pm' peak at the same time.

7. I can finally afford to buy drugs but the only ones I seem to want are ibuprofen and digestive pills.

8. I've finally grown into my looks, at an age where I feel ridiculous if I dress sexy.

9. I can now afford cute hoodies and sweaters but all I can wear are cardigans and flannels because hot flashes.

10. I finally figured out how to style my hair / what the best cut is for my hair, and it's changing in texture and I have to use women's Rogaine at the roots.

...to be continued