Pregnancy Trolls

So news of my pregnancy has spread like wildfire, due in no small part to Tom calling every person he's met since high school and shouting "I'm gonna be a dad!" into the phone. I am now not-so-eagerly awaiting the unsolicited advice portion of the pregnancy. If you've ever been pregnant before, then you know what I'm talking about. They find out that I don't want to discover the baby's sex before it's born and they're shocked: "Why would you not want to know?" they ask, as though I just announced plans to drink a fifth of whiskey every day until delivery. It comes up that I don't dye my roots when I'm pregnant and exclaim, "Well I always did," as though it disproves all the warnings not to soak your head in chemicals during fetal development. They learn that I oppose circumcision for gentiles and they act disgusted: "Don't you want him to look like all the other boys?" The implication is, of course, that either A) my son would have made the semi finals of the Penis Beauty Pageant if only he'd had part of it hacked off arbitrarily at birth, or B) my unborn son has a lucrative career in porn ahead of him but due to my unconventional attitudes will now be relegated to the foreskin fetish arena, which we all should know is so much seedier than the regular porn industry, or C) some girl someday will laugh at him for having a penis the likes of which she has never seen before. This one is my favorite, as it only comes from men who are deeply afraid of having their penises laughed at anyway, whereas women know that we're too afraid of having our hips judged to ever start the insults. Also, as the boy's mother, I don't feel it's my duty to worry about how his sex life develops eighteen years down the line.

The sad fact is that if my parenting style differs in any way from someone else's, that person has a pretty good chance of taking offense to it. I don't care that you pierced your baby's ears, but I can't bear the thought of holding my screaming infant while someone pokes unnecessary holes in her head just because I think said holes are pretty. Fine, you put your kids in walkers to teach them how to walk. I just never heard about that undeveloped part of the wilderness where everyone grows up an invalid because no one gave them walkers as babies; I was under the impression that walking was one of those skills that kids kind of learned on their own without being given small ramming devices with which to knock things off shelves.

I'm too defensive, I know. But it's true. People will judge you on anything when it comes to your parenting, from the names you choose to how long you let your kids' hair grow to when and how you decide to potty-train. Everyone feels their way is the best, which makes sense because if they thought another way was better they would have chosen it instead. But some folks really seem to think that nursing for a month longer than they did is tantamount to child abuse and that it is in the best interest of the child that they list off all the reasons they weened when they did. It's enough to take away the "glow" I'm supposed to have.