My parents divorced. Nothing special or unique about that; divorce was the national past time in the 80s. What's odd is to be my age and have parents who aren't divorced. As a "child of divorce" (cue sad music) I absolutely abhor divorce. Some kids with divorced parents end up with the "my parents split up and I turned out okay" mindset but not me. I have the "my parents' split was traumatic and I never want to do that to my kids" mindset. Do I have deal breakers, things that would cause me to contemplate divorce? Of course I do; everybody does. But I have very few of them and they are extreme. And lack of romance or dead sparks are not on that list.
I detest romance, or rather the preposterous definition most people have. I'm a realist, myself. Romance fades, it dies, it is replaced by yeast infections and stinky bathrooms and baby puke and grown up puke. People who expect "true love" to be a never-ending smoke machine filling their lives with pink fog and giggling are delusional. I do not understand married couples who can't pee in front of each other. It makes as much sense to me as women who swear their husbands will never see them without make up. If your relationship is so fragile that one misplaced fart will bring it to the ground, your problems go beyond a man seeing you tinkle.
I have a friend who desperately wants a "real man", a cowboy, a George Strait video. Wanna know the secret behind George Strait videos? They're only 4 minutes long. Four minutes of the perfect man, whittled out of hours of footage. It takes months to make a romance movie, in large part because it takes 12 takes to get one perfect romance scene. And some women expect this shit to happen spontaneously and randomly in real life?!
I've had friends who have divorced because the spark died out, or the romance faded, or they "just became roommates". Guess what: that's supposed to happen. That's what you signed up for. Companionship, friendship, not 50 years of fireworks. And why would you even want fireworks the whole time? How much work must that be, to keep up the pretense of perfection? How much stuff must you go through alone because you can't share it with your husband? Sometimes bitching helps; I believe that firmly. To not be able to bitch about things would drive me nuts. "I hate my period, especially heavy days. I kind of wish I could just birth a placenta every month and have it done with." "Ohhhh, my tummy hurts. I will be so happy when I finally poop and the pain goes away." Or even just to ask for help! I need to be able to ask my husband for help sometimes. "While you're at the store could you pick me up some Super tampons?" "I need to borrow ten bucks for Monistat." "Honey I clogged the toilet! I need help!"
I know. I sound really gross here. But keep in mind that all of these examples are over the course of 6 years (so far) and 2 pregnancies. I cannot imagine going through all of that with the mindset that I had to hide every bacne outbreak or gassy night (where do these people sleep after a bad meal?).
But also remember that my husband has the same freedoms I do. He gets sick and doesn't hide it. He can talk about the wart on his hand or the fungus on his foot or the alien life form he coughed into the sink in the morning. He can send me to the pharmacy for embarrassing items (and he does, and I go) and describe potty things to discern if such things are normal or not. And I can still look at him and see my handsome, sexy, wonderful husband, even after hearing about butt pimples or whatever. Because I'm not infatuated, I'm in love. And I don't need a fireworks display to confirm it constantly. I am happy with the sunset. The sky is still lit up, but it's quiet now, and the colors are softer, and it's real. And I am so glad I don't have to always be on my best dating behavior. How exhausting to live an entire life together trying to make a good impression. If Tom can't handle being married to a real live 34 year old human now, how on Earth would I expect him to handle being married to a 50 year old human, or a 60 year old human? I'm gonna need him to drive me to my colonoscopies someday. If I ever get chemo, he's gonna be the one nursing me through the nausea and hair loss. If I can't be seen peeing now, am I going to move out later? Someday I will be changing this man's diapers. I signed up for that when I married him and I knew it then. And I still married him, because to me, it's not about romance. It's about love.
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Friday, January 14, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Someone tell me the word for this.
You know what's on my mind? Premises which eliminate any answer but one. I'm sure there's a word for that (and if there is, I want to know it so tell me in the comments section) but I don't know it so now I'll go on ad nauseum with examples.
Why is it that women seem to get either no plastic surgery/botox/liposuction at all, or all of it until they look horrible? You never seem to see the actress who gets one procedure when she's 40 and then looks well rested and fresh, and then quits while she's ahead. They all end up looking like Joan Rivers! I know why; because they're people who got that one procedure when they were 40. Women are made to stand close to the mirror. We see the one blackhead in an otherwise perfect complexion, the wrinkle forming between the eyebrows, and we fixate on it. It's probably because we had to zero in on the bad spot in the food before our family ate it or something, back in the caveman days, but now it just makes hot chicks think they're fat and ugly. And if a woman is the sort to see plastic surgery as an option, she will use it for everything. And then you end up with a plastic woman who doesn't look 30 years younger and just looks fake. But the skin that did sag now doesn't, and the blotch that was there isn't, and each piece that had to be fixed is, and she never steps far enough back from the mirror to see the big ugly picture. But the women who accept crows' feet and eyelid droop as okay don't go for the botox in the first place. The type who would quit while they were ahead never started in the first place.
Why do studies always show that second marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages? Because the very question eliminates from the mix the sorts of people who don't divorce. Sure, some of the second marriages could be widows and widowers, but it's generally divorcees. And divorcees have seen that they can survive a divorce and go on to find love again. And just like everything else, it becomes easier each time. The world didn't end when my first marriage failed so it won't end when my second one does either. The people who refuse to file for divorce are less likely to find themselves in second marriages so they don't make the second marriage statistics.
Why is it that women seem to get either no plastic surgery/botox/liposuction at all, or all of it until they look horrible? You never seem to see the actress who gets one procedure when she's 40 and then looks well rested and fresh, and then quits while she's ahead. They all end up looking like Joan Rivers! I know why; because they're people who got that one procedure when they were 40. Women are made to stand close to the mirror. We see the one blackhead in an otherwise perfect complexion, the wrinkle forming between the eyebrows, and we fixate on it. It's probably because we had to zero in on the bad spot in the food before our family ate it or something, back in the caveman days, but now it just makes hot chicks think they're fat and ugly. And if a woman is the sort to see plastic surgery as an option, she will use it for everything. And then you end up with a plastic woman who doesn't look 30 years younger and just looks fake. But the skin that did sag now doesn't, and the blotch that was there isn't, and each piece that had to be fixed is, and she never steps far enough back from the mirror to see the big ugly picture. But the women who accept crows' feet and eyelid droop as okay don't go for the botox in the first place. The type who would quit while they were ahead never started in the first place.
Why do studies always show that second marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages? Because the very question eliminates from the mix the sorts of people who don't divorce. Sure, some of the second marriages could be widows and widowers, but it's generally divorcees. And divorcees have seen that they can survive a divorce and go on to find love again. And just like everything else, it becomes easier each time. The world didn't end when my first marriage failed so it won't end when my second one does either. The people who refuse to file for divorce are less likely to find themselves in second marriages so they don't make the second marriage statistics.
Friday, January 07, 2011
My take on why so many Americans spoil their kids
I've read articles about this topic and I've agreed with a lot of what some of them say, but here's my take on it.
My grandmother's generation, raised in the Depression, had nothing. They were often hungry, wore old and oft-repaired clothing, and swore never to do that to their own kids. So the next generation, the baby boomers, were given everything they needed. They got new clothes and lots of food whenever they wanted (I think the invention of the snack, let alone specific snack foods, came at about this time), and luxuries like TV and record players.
Then the baby boomers had kids, my generation. And not only did they give us everything their parents gave them, but we also had cable and central air conditioning and other newly invented luxuries. Plus, divorce became popular in the 70s and 80s and our parents were busy having careers and getting divorced and remarried and doing all the dating in between. And they made up for their absence and preoccupation with gifts. Two families can mean two Christmases, and Mom working late or going out on a Friday night can mean pizza or fast food. So we got spoiled, and fat, as a generation. And now we have kids, and we add our own twist.
My generation, the people I know anyway, seem to fall into 2 main categories. The ones who see divorce as an inevitability (I once heard a woman in her 20s refer to a passing stranger as "my fourth husband", and those who swear never to do it themselves. Oddly enough, the ones who divorce most often tend to come from parents who never did. But the ones who are determined never to divorce often remember how parental divorce affected them or their friends growing up. They remember feelings of neglect and unimportance and don't want to do that to their children. And they remember parents who weren't home. I know more stay at home parents my age than I remember seeing when I was a kid. Our mothers were dating and flirting and finding us step-dads and we want to be there for our kids. And now you have , in addition to the cable TV and central air conditioning, cell phones and laptops. But also helicopter parents. Parents who remember what it felt like when they were bullied and Mom didn't care, so they will storm into the school and fight for their child over the smallest things. Parents who rush their kids to the doctor over any fever or rash or nausea. Parents who practically have Purell pumped into their house via water pipes. (I don't remember my mother ever sanitizing my toys in bleach growing up but now people talk about doing that all the time, and the moms I know who do it seem to be the ones complaining of sick kids the most. Causation or correlation?)
Somehow in the last 3 generations, we've gone from telling our kids to always dress nicely and be polite and respect your elders no matter who they are, to everyone only worrying about their own family and resenting any implication that there might be a greater good out there worth worrying about. It manifests in little ways all the time. A parent who refuses to vaccinate their kid because they think there are too many shots contributes to the diminishing of herd immunity. Germaphobe parents teach their kids specifically not to share. Kids are taught to mind their own business and later, witnesses to public crimes never come forward. There is less of a sense of responsibility to society than there used to be. There is also a growing sense of narcissism. An obese parent feeding their child high-fat high-sugar foods will say "I grew up on this stuff and I'm okay" and honestly believe it. A circumcised father, rather than looking at his perfect baby boy with pride, will demand an unnecessary surgery so that the boy's penis will look like his (which is, of course, the most glorious penis ever to exist). A mother who grew up with an absent and selfish mother will also devote her time to her own social and love lives and claim that, "If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of your children." The idea of parental sacrifice is either taken to extremes (Ever met that mother/martyr who refuses to let her husband help her with anything?) or ignored altogether under the guise of not becoming a martyr. Our mothers fought for the right to be mothers and career women, to have it all. And now a lot of women have to fight just to get it all done, and the children get spoiled, either by being given too much stuff or too much time. If your kid grows up learning that every slight, real or imagined, is worth Mom marching to the school to fight over, or that every sniffle is worth a trip to the doctor's office, they develop a sense of entitlement. They should never feel less than 100% and a doctor needs to fix it now. The school can't do anything less than beneficial for them and the policy and/or curriculum needs to be changed now. This translates later to the fry cook who demands more respect at work even though he has the lowliest and least respected job in the place. He's not going to work his way up to a job that gets more respect; he's just going to demand more respect and a cost of living raise where he is. I once heard a fry cook, after two weeks on the job, complain when he got fired for excessive absences: "I thought this was supposed to be a company that cared about its employees and here they are firing me for being sick."
Our kids (collectively as a generation) and we, to a similar extent, are spoiled and fat and I think the two are very closely related. Our grandparents ate turnips and could make one chicken last 3 meals. I'm not suggesting we return to that, but daily cookies and soda, and portions as large as our plates are completely unnecessary. As is demanding respect and concessions from everybody at every turn. I heard a great quote once. It said "You are special and unique, just like everyone else."
My grandmother's generation, raised in the Depression, had nothing. They were often hungry, wore old and oft-repaired clothing, and swore never to do that to their own kids. So the next generation, the baby boomers, were given everything they needed. They got new clothes and lots of food whenever they wanted (I think the invention of the snack, let alone specific snack foods, came at about this time), and luxuries like TV and record players.
Then the baby boomers had kids, my generation. And not only did they give us everything their parents gave them, but we also had cable and central air conditioning and other newly invented luxuries. Plus, divorce became popular in the 70s and 80s and our parents were busy having careers and getting divorced and remarried and doing all the dating in between. And they made up for their absence and preoccupation with gifts. Two families can mean two Christmases, and Mom working late or going out on a Friday night can mean pizza or fast food. So we got spoiled, and fat, as a generation. And now we have kids, and we add our own twist.
My generation, the people I know anyway, seem to fall into 2 main categories. The ones who see divorce as an inevitability (I once heard a woman in her 20s refer to a passing stranger as "my fourth husband", and those who swear never to do it themselves. Oddly enough, the ones who divorce most often tend to come from parents who never did. But the ones who are determined never to divorce often remember how parental divorce affected them or their friends growing up. They remember feelings of neglect and unimportance and don't want to do that to their children. And they remember parents who weren't home. I know more stay at home parents my age than I remember seeing when I was a kid. Our mothers were dating and flirting and finding us step-dads and we want to be there for our kids. And now you have , in addition to the cable TV and central air conditioning, cell phones and laptops. But also helicopter parents. Parents who remember what it felt like when they were bullied and Mom didn't care, so they will storm into the school and fight for their child over the smallest things. Parents who rush their kids to the doctor over any fever or rash or nausea. Parents who practically have Purell pumped into their house via water pipes. (I don't remember my mother ever sanitizing my toys in bleach growing up but now people talk about doing that all the time, and the moms I know who do it seem to be the ones complaining of sick kids the most. Causation or correlation?)
Somehow in the last 3 generations, we've gone from telling our kids to always dress nicely and be polite and respect your elders no matter who they are, to everyone only worrying about their own family and resenting any implication that there might be a greater good out there worth worrying about. It manifests in little ways all the time. A parent who refuses to vaccinate their kid because they think there are too many shots contributes to the diminishing of herd immunity. Germaphobe parents teach their kids specifically not to share. Kids are taught to mind their own business and later, witnesses to public crimes never come forward. There is less of a sense of responsibility to society than there used to be. There is also a growing sense of narcissism. An obese parent feeding their child high-fat high-sugar foods will say "I grew up on this stuff and I'm okay" and honestly believe it. A circumcised father, rather than looking at his perfect baby boy with pride, will demand an unnecessary surgery so that the boy's penis will look like his (which is, of course, the most glorious penis ever to exist). A mother who grew up with an absent and selfish mother will also devote her time to her own social and love lives and claim that, "If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of your children." The idea of parental sacrifice is either taken to extremes (Ever met that mother/martyr who refuses to let her husband help her with anything?) or ignored altogether under the guise of not becoming a martyr. Our mothers fought for the right to be mothers and career women, to have it all. And now a lot of women have to fight just to get it all done, and the children get spoiled, either by being given too much stuff or too much time. If your kid grows up learning that every slight, real or imagined, is worth Mom marching to the school to fight over, or that every sniffle is worth a trip to the doctor's office, they develop a sense of entitlement. They should never feel less than 100% and a doctor needs to fix it now. The school can't do anything less than beneficial for them and the policy and/or curriculum needs to be changed now. This translates later to the fry cook who demands more respect at work even though he has the lowliest and least respected job in the place. He's not going to work his way up to a job that gets more respect; he's just going to demand more respect and a cost of living raise where he is. I once heard a fry cook, after two weeks on the job, complain when he got fired for excessive absences: "I thought this was supposed to be a company that cared about its employees and here they are firing me for being sick."
Our kids (collectively as a generation) and we, to a similar extent, are spoiled and fat and I think the two are very closely related. Our grandparents ate turnips and could make one chicken last 3 meals. I'm not suggesting we return to that, but daily cookies and soda, and portions as large as our plates are completely unnecessary. As is demanding respect and concessions from everybody at every turn. I heard a great quote once. It said "You are special and unique, just like everyone else."
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