Monday, January 01, 2018


I am over 40 years old and my friends are either my age or older. I have friends who have never owned a new vehicle. Some who've never bought a brand new piece of furniture. And some who have no idea who to call if a washing machine or fridge breaks down. I have friends who have never successfully kept a plant alive, who don't know their own blood type (or their kids), or who can't find a vagina on a gynecologist's  chart.

So could the generation after us PLEASE stop fucking whining about how they don't know how to adult and it's all our fault for not teaching them. Where the fuck did they get the idea that you're even supposed to have everything figured out at 20?! WTF!  I've been a mom for 19 years and I still turn the socks pink sometimes, and can't always read a thermometer, and forget to set the coffee maker the night before.  Every couple of weeks I have to feel to see if a kid's nose is broken and I don't know what a broken nose feels like! But I imagine it feels different that it did before so I still check, every time. Nobody ever became an adult already knowing how to be an adult. You suck it up, quit posting memes that use adult as a verb, and go out there and figure that shit out for yourself. Because as parent, we can only teach you from our own mistakes. And when you turn 18, you get to learn from your own so make them count. And after a while you should look around and realize that you are totally in over your head and that's when you learn. You learn that dirty clothes won't stink if you freeze them and that's how you stretch it til the next Friday you can buy more detergent.  You learn that if you buy the right cut of underwear the legs are the same size as the waist and you can spin them like a pinwheel and get a few more days out of them and that you can wear the same bra for days and days. And one I had to learn the hard way, that a box of powdered RIT dye is cheaper than a whole new dress.

tl/dr.  Grow the fuck up and quit blaming your folks for not doing it for you.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Dances with Linda

My dad used to "date" a lady named Linda who was head over heels for him. They'd lived together but she'd been clingy and he ended it. He'd never been above the random hook-up though, so she still came around. And she was at every VFW dance, sidling up to our table in her bright red lipstick, smiling at him while he checked for other single ladies to pursue. Sometimes she'd end up at the house, other nights she wouldn't. And then I'd inherit her, and every time it was the same. She'd end up crying into her glass of Miller Lite, snorting her runny nose and chewing off the bright red lipstick, telling herself and me that she was strong. "I'm strong," she'd wail. "I've been through a lot worse than this and survived. I'm a survivor! I'm a strong woman who deserves better than him.He just can't handle me.  I won't settle. My man will treat me like a queen!" She'd spend half an hour on her little pep talk before she'd drink her now-salty beer and walk out the door.  She was a good lady, but she was desperate and needy. All she wanted was a man, really any man. She had all of her hopes pinned on love and once she found a boyfriend, THEN she'd be happy.
I see a lot of memes that sound a lot like Linda crying into her beer. Like sad desperate women giving themselves pep talks about the kind of man they'll sometimes get, about how guys are just scared of them for being strong. The thing is, once Linda actually stopped waiting for someone else to make her happy, she quit talking about how strong she was. She didn't need to anymore. She was being strong rather than just talking about it.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Rampant Paranoia Strikes Again

This is a HORRIBLE FACEBOOK POST.  What happened to her? Nothing. What happened to Emma? Nothing. This is a story of a woman getting scared on her way to her car. The combination of large black strangers, close proximity, and her own preconceived fears thereof caused her to knock a child's ice cream to the ground and run into a store like a crazy woman and violate the personal space, IN CLOSE PROXIMITY, of a  completely uninvolved stranger. 
"But they were following her, looking at Emma, TARGETING them!". Targeting them for what? Approximately 20 children nationwide, are kidnapped by strangers every year. Within the entirety of the U.S., less than 2 stranger abductions a month. Add to that that this was a supervised child, in a public place, and it becomes clear that that this girl was in more danger of being hurt alone in the car with her mother(?) than from this situation in the parking lot. Many more children are injured in car accidents than by personal attacks.
And what of the attack? The woman specifically said that the men were following them, one RIGHT BEHIND her and the other next to Emma. Yes she spun around and ran back into the restaurant. So she ran right past these guys, probably right between them. And NOTHING HAPPENED. They didn't grab her or Emma. They didn't panic at being caught on to and flee before she could tell the employees what had happened. They probably just walked to their car and shook their heads at how sad it is that 2 guys can't hold the door open for a white lady and her daughter (?) without being repaid with suspicion and fear. And now posted about on Facebook.  This shouldn't be a normal thing. Being tall, black, and male while walking near white people should not be seen as a threat. Certainly not in 2017.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

He's Smarter Than Me. It's Over.

Yesterday in the van after school.
Danny: Thank you for picking me up today. It's was cold.
Me: You're welcome. I'll pick you up whenever it's in the 40s.
D: What 40s?
Me: It was only in the 40s today. When it's in the 40s you don't have to walk home from school.
D: But that's a long time from now.
Me: What do you mean.
D: I won't be 40 for a long time.
Me: Not in YOUR 40s!
D: Your 40s?
Me: No, not in my 40s. I'm in my 40s. When IT'S in THE 40s. Outside.
D: That's like 20 years away.

This is why I sometimes drink on Tuesday night.

Thursday, October 06, 2016


Anyone trying to quit smoking?
Niacin, or vitamin B3 pills, are made of niacinamide, also called nicotinamide. Taking B3 supplements daily can ease nicotine withdrawal.
Ever heard that the leaves and stems of the potato plant are poisonous? It's because of high nicotine levels in the plant. Raw potatoes are excellent snacks while quitting smoking, and are unpalatable enough to give up eating after you've kicked the habit.
Don't fall for the myth that you should chew gum or suck suckers while quitting. Oral replacements only reinforce the idea that you'd rather be smoking, and if you want to squit then by definition you don't want to smoke anymore. This is also why you need to recognize that your addiction, the literal enemy, is causing your cravings. It is NOT that your body wants a cigarette, it's that your addiction wants one.
Physical nicotine withdrawal hits it's peak at 1.5 hours post tobacco and only lasts for 3 weeks maximum. If you can sleep for 2 hours in a row, then you can make it for 3 weeks. The addiction lies dormant but causes no symptoms after 3 weeks. The reason people start smoking after that time is because they've either confused cravings with desire and still believe that they're denying themselves something they truly want (a person can only deny them self something they truly want for so long), or they remember the stress relief that comes with smoking a cigarette and believe it will happen again.
You know the feeling that comes with taking off a necktie or a bra after a long day? Smoking after the withdrawal has ended is like wearing a tie, or too tight shoes, just to feel relief when you take them off. The only stress a cigarette can cure is the stress of withdrawal. And remember, withdrawal peaks after an hour of a half. So the cigarette you grab after a death or divorce or job loss can only create more stress, not relieve the current stress.
Crying during withdrawal is not a sign of worsening withdrawal. Tears contain cortisol, a stress hormone. Crying during withdrawal is your body's way of helping you kick the habit. Your amazing body is actually relieving the stress of nicotine withdrawal by itself. So if you're somewhere where you're free to cry, let go and let out as many tears as you can and count down to 3 weeks

Friday, June 17, 2016

Now all I need is the money

I found ten feet of 4 1/2 foot wide marble on craigslist and let me tell you, this stuff is GORGEOUS. No boring white carerra shit, this has reds and browns and veining and cloud-like areas, and it's only $200. I guess it was on someone's ten foot kitchen island. Unfortunately, I have more than ten feet of counterspace in my kitchen. BUT, if I bought the $300 porcelain covered cast iron drainboard sink I found, it could work. All new countertops for $500. I want this to happen. So, now I only need to find $500.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

New profile pic

I changed my profile picture. This is my absolute favoritest picture ever, because it is too ridiculous for me to even wish it were attractive. I want this to be in my obituary. Hell, I want this on my driver's license. And then if I get pulled over, I will simply look up at the police officer with the same smile, and he will instantly know that it is me. What could be wrong with that?