Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Things that cannot die with me

1. To make black frosting, start the night before. Take white frosting and add cocoa powder, blue, red, and yellow food colorings. The next day it will have turned black, and it won't taste shitty like black bakery frosting because it's not just a ton of black ink dumped into white frosting.

2. If you're going to paint something, prime it and then add floetrol to the paint to eliminate brush strokes. It will look like it came from a factory. For extra staying power, add a gloss or matte topcoat.

3. To apply liquid eyeliner more easily, use a pencil forst and then trace that line with the liquid.

4.To avoid spending time blowing on your coffee before you can drink it, add an extra scoop of grounds to the filter, and then add ice cubes to your mug to cool it down. Also easier than making coffee ice cubes.

5. To judge a photo of yourself without nitpicking, step back and ask yourself if it would look good at your funeral. Everyone wants to look thin and young and sexy in their pictures, but seeing it from your kids' perspective lets you focus on the expression of your face and the overall feel instead.

6. Never buy dark carpet. It shows EVERYTHING.

7.  Use your things; don't store them. A beautiful silver bowl does no good in a cupboard. Make it your soap dish or put it on the toilet tank to stick your wedding ring and ponytail holder in before showers.

8. Compliment strangers. Tell little girls how much you like their shoes. Tell the check-out lady if you think her hair looks great. Everyone likes a compliment, it doesn't cost anything to give them out, and the worst that can happen is that someone you will probably never see again thinks you're weird.

9. Try listing the songs on your next mix cd by memory instead of title. Make a cd label that says "Senior prom", "Late nights with the baby", and "that time in high school we got stuck in the ditch".  Admit it, that's how you think of some songs, anyway, and why does anyone else have to understand the writing on your mix cd?

10. Baileys is a valid coffee creamer. Don't let anyone else tell you different.

11. Don't worry about whether or not your decor matches. Eclectic is a valid decorating style.

Monday, March 21, 2016

It's not about the piss

To all of the men who pee and then don't wash their hands because they didn't get any pee on their hands, You touched your junk. There are junk germs all over your hands. You touch the door, my kids touch the door, now my kids have your junk all over their hands. Just wash your damn hands. It's not that we don't want your pee (but we don't), it's that we don't want your wiener cooties! Nobody wants your wiener cooties!

Friday, March 18, 2016

Damn liberal media.

How come when Kim Kardashian wears it, it's called a "waist-trainer" but when I wear it it's called a girdle?

Sunday, March 13, 2016

A thrill a minute....

I've reached an age where the universe keeps my life interesting for me. I don't have to do anything. I used to have to do my make up and wear push-up things to stay up all night having an exciting and eventful night. Now all I have to do is eat dinner. That's it. Just eat dinner and sit back and wait to find out if my stomach will absorb and appreciate my offering, or if it will refuse it, and send it flying from my body. I used to love eating at Buffalo Wild Wings. Now it fills me with fear and trepidation. Do I feel lucky tonight? Am I willing to eat hot wings a half hour away from my house? Am I stocked up on toilet paper? Can I stay hydrated if this thing turns south?  I have to stock up on bottled water before date night the way other people do before a storm.  Yep, life is exciting. And I'm still four months shy of turning 40.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

I love my new friends.

I used to see those cute picture frames that say FRIENDS or GIRLS' NIGHT and feel sad. I've had friends, but never a whole group of them. Never anything worth buying the frames for.  But now I have friends. One is moving within the next couple of months, but I have friends! Good friends. We do have girls' night. We've done a wine and paint night and that was tons of fun.  And I really really hope that one day we'll go on a girls only road trip to see just how far away our fearless leader is moving. I foresee many visits to Oceans of Fun in beautiful Kansas city Missouri.
Last week we did a wine and paint night where we learned how to paint a bottle of wine next to a half full glass of wine.  I think we should do a lot more of that kind of stuff.

Thursday, January 07, 2016

My subconscious is confused.

I keep having variations of the same dream. I'm hanging out with Mom at her house, and then suddenly I remember that she died and somebody else owns the house. So now I'm scared that we'll be caught inside the house by the new owner and I'm worried about where Mom will live now. She can stay with me, no problem, but  I don't have all of her stuff, and is she going to get mad at me for what I didn't keep? But most urgently we have to get out of this stranger's house before they come home and catch us inside! We have the lights on and everything, we'll be seen from the outside! Did we move anything? Is my van out in the driveway advertising our presence? How did we even get inside here, anyway? And then I wake up in a panic before I realize that it was just a dream, Mom's still dead, and I don't know whether to feel relieved or sad.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

On my eleventh anniversary

My doctor gave me cough syrup with codeine, so forgive me as I was nostalgic. It seems to me that marriage is a lot like motherhood. You make (in this day and age) a conscious decision to do it, and then you jump in with both feet, forever. There are hard times, and there are good moments, and even if the good moments don't outnumber the hard times, they do outweigh them. Some days you wonder why you ever agreed to such a thing. You think that, had you known what it would be like, you never would have signed up for it. And sometimes, you envy your friends who opted not to do it.  But the good moments, they shine so brightly as to make it all worthwhile. Marriage is a good thing. You don't have to take it from me; there have been a ton of sociological studies showing that having a formal legal marriage system benefits not only the people who avail themselves of it but also society as a whole. Domestication is good for the species.  But also, it is good for the individual. To say to someone, "I love you so much that I'm willing to smell your morning breath, to walk into a bathroom you've just left and smell your poop, to be without makeup in front of you, to see you at your worst as well as your best, for the rest of my life, as long as it means I get to be with you."  There is such a freedom in not having to impress so much, in not having to keep up appearances or worry about making a good first impression. There is freedom in being able to say, "I've found my partner, the one person, in this world of 6 billion people, who will bear witness to my life and to whose life I will bear witness. And now that I've found that person, I can stop the search and move on with living a life worth witnessing."  I am so glad that I found Tom, and that we met when we were both at a stage in life where we could fall in love and make it work.