I must have married for looks.

over the phone:
Tom: So then I'll just buy this carpet remnant.
Me: Won't it get wet on the way home?
Tom: Nah. It's not raining.
Me: But it's rain-y. And the sky is dark here in town.
Tom: It'll be fine. Don't worry.
.....fifteen minutes later....
Tom: Is it raining in town?
Me: It doesn't really look like it. Why?
Tom: Cars have their wipers on. Oh crap, I just drove into the rain! The carpet is getting wet!

How tragic that NO ONE could have predicted this.

Why DON'T yellow cats poop?

A conversation between brothers, standing over the sandbox.

Tommy: Uh oh. It was open over night.
Danny: I think cats pooped in it.
Tommy: I don't see any poop.
Danny: But there are paw prints in the sand.
Tommy: Yeah, but I think it was a yellow cat. And yellow cats don't poop.
Danny: Oh. Okay. (and then he climbed in the sandbox.)

Because they both have to do with imaginary men who watch you in your house.

The other day I bought three things for the new house. I purchased two mezuzahs and a What the shit?! wall graphic.  Here are my issues with these purchases. Completely unpredictable and in no way asinine issues. A) I can't read Hebrew so I don't know which way to hang my mezuzahs. And B) I'm not sure where to put my creepy stalker man graphic to ensure that it gets noticed but it's not in your face that it's completely lame. 

Why does spellcheck flag mezuzah? I think it may be anti-semitic.

It's a tiny pill. Easy to misplace. In my throat.

You know that feeling when you take your pills for the night but you're nowhere near being tired so you grab a Xanax, and then twenty minutes later you realize that you're still keyed up and you can't remember if you actually took the Xanax or not, so you start searching your kitchen trying to think of where you could have set the pill down because you have kids and pets and Xanax would be bad for either of them so you're tearing the place apart even though it's really hard to do because you're exhausted and that's when you realize that you did, in fact, swallow the Xanax?  No? Just me? Hmm.

I just want a monkey butler. Why is that too much to ask for?

I've found a monkey table I want. But it's $180.00, which is a lot of money to spend on a table that will drive Tom nuts and possibly scare the children.  Also, it comes pre-named, and for $180.00 I think I should get the right to name my own monkey table. I certainly wouldn't name it Winston, that's for sure. I think I'd name it Zac Efron. Zac Efron the monkey butler. I like it.

here kitty kitty kitty

1. I know for an absolute fact that Tom would not want me to get a new cat.
2. I know that Tom likes cats anyway.
3. I texted Tom to mention that I wanted to get a new cat.
4. Tom did not answer, thus squandering his chance to voice any opposition to a new cat.
5. Should I go get a new cat?

Conversation between me and Tom

Me: Hey I was reading in AARP magazine how you should invest in forever stamps to save money when the price goes up.

Tom: (distracted) Yeah.

Me: Which is why 200 stamps are coming in the mail. I'm offsetting the one cent price hike projected to come next year with a $1.72 shipping fee. Ironic that they charge to mail you stamps, isn't it.

Tom: (groan)

Me: Why do you always look like you have a headache when I tell you what I've done? You should come home every day and ask me how my day has been so that these things don't blindside you.

Tom: (incredulous look)

Me: For instance, the hammock in the hallway? That was an awesome deal! A hundred and twenty five dollars for a two hundred and fifty dollar hammock. And I know that was the original price because it was written right there next to the sale price. I didn't even have to price compare.

Tom: Mmm hmm.

Me: And did you know that right now we have 3 bath mats coming? Memory foam, Tom! They'll remember our feet! How could you not want that kind of service from your bath mat?

Tom: This is why I look like I have a headache when you tell me what you've done.