Friday, February 20, 2009

My ex, the jackass

My ex is a jackass, which he is required to be by law. Because he is an ex. No one ever says, "My ex is a saint." Not if they have children by the man, they don't. But my ex is an over-achiever when it comes to jackassery. He is the bar to which other jackasses must measure up. He hasn't seen his daughter in over 2 years. So the other day, when he messaged me on yahoo, I decided to fuck with him. Because it amuses me.
I told him that Ryan is now goth, which is kinda true. She likes to wear skulls and she does envy Abby Sciuto, but she is by no means a dedicated 24-7 goth kid. But I told him that she is, and I sent a photo of her from Halloween as proof. I also told him that she has hot pink hair now. He says he will come see her when he gets his license back, which he claims he lost due to a DUI. That's interesting, because one lonely DUI will not lose you your license in Illinois, not all by itself. He is a lying jackass. See how well he does at that?
When I think about my ex I always marvel at my husband. Not just because he is a freaking god compares to the jackass, but because the jackass proves that I have no trustworthy judgment when it comes to men and therefor it is complete dumb luck that I ended up married to a decent guy. A more than decent guy, he is as close to perfect as anyone who is endlessly amused by his own gas can be. I am so lucky that he is the one who finally fell prey to my marriage nagging. I'd be a suicide statistic if any of my other boyfriends ever had.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Bob The Builder Blows

The house I rent belongs to my mother. I have lived here since she bought the place almost 12 years ago; she has never had to deal with a tenant who didn't care about her in a deep and familial way. She planned, at the time of purchase, to tear down the dirt floor garage and put up a nice 2 car one, and then to add on and make my tiny 4 room house into a 3 bedroom, 2 bath family place. Due to financial constraints and the human tendency to procrastinate, neither of these things got done. But now she has a much better paying job and so she is adding on to the place. She made this decision last year, spurred on (I think) by my pregnancy and the fact that we would be moving to a larger house soon. So in June she called the local construction guy and asked him for an estimate. He said the whole thing could be started in July and over by September.

Fast forward to today. The plumber piped it, most of the way. Yes, at only 5 months overdue and $26,000 over budget, the addition is almost done. Now all we need is one more day from the plumber, a return visit from the electrician, and then we will be ready for drywall and tile! Yay!!! Hopefully when it's all done Tommy will be able to tell me, in complete sentences by then, what color he wants his bedroom painted.

At this point, with contractors and subcontractors who rarely show up and who, when they are here, make my house smell like cigarette smoke from the other side of my bedroom wall, Bob the Builder can kiss my ass. I am sick of this and have vowed to NEVER have a home custom built, or even added on to again. This shit is ridiculous!

If your junk got swapped. . .

So if you had a sex change, or if you somehow woke up tomorrow in the other sex's body, what would your name be? I think if I were a guy, despite being named Chuck now, I'd go by Dave. In high school they used to call me Dave and I think that'd be what I'd go by now. I just have always wondered how transsexuals pick their new names, those who don't go for something similar that is. I'd be Dave. What about you?

When did I miss this?

Why do couples move in together after only a month or two of dating? I know lots of women who have moved entire families in with a guy after only a few weekends. I know one woman who moved herself and her two kids in with a guy the day she moved them out of the father's house. Now, I have special objections to the whole living together with kids scenario, but in general when did living together become a casual thing?

I thought that moving in together was supposed to be a big step, a sign that things were getting really serious. Like, the next step is marriage sort of serious. But it seems to have become the norm now. If you're dating and it's exclusive, you live together. And if you have kids, well the theory seems to be that children need two parents so much that it's better to rush into finding a replacement than to wait and make sure the replacement will be a permanent one. So what you end up with may very well be a 12 year old who has already gone through four or more "dad's".

Tom and I lived together for about 2 weeks before we got got engaged, and I'm slightly ashamed of that fact. Why did I expose my daughter to a father figure without the commitment that would have (and eventually did) make him and actual step-father? Now, in my defense he probably only spent 3 or 4 days actually living here before we married, since he was driving over the road at the time, but I still don't know why I allowed it.

I don't bring this up because of any one couple but rather because I notice a trend with celebrities and in real life where couples don't wait for the shine of new romance to dull and instead they jump in with both feet, all while under the influence of first-kiss endorphins. But why? Why not wait and make it a big step?

Friday, February 13, 2009

I heart Valentine's Day

Today is Friday the Thirteenth, which means that Tom will be in a romantic mood tonight, as gruesome horror movies have an aphrodisiac effect on him and every fucking channel we have (with the exception of the Food Network) is showing gruesome horror movies tonight. But also . . . . . . . . tomorrow is Valentine's Day!

Some couples have decided that Valentine's Day is a Hallmark Holiday, a scam fueled by florists and chocolatiers to make a profit. The people have a very valid point. I am not one of these people. I am one of the people who stopped getting Valentine's Day gifts and cards after teachers stopped making kids give something to everyone. Once I outgrew the class party , complete with manila folder full of character-themed valentines ("Does Wes really like me just because he gave me the Optimus Prime card with a stick of gum in it?"), I succumbed to the fate of the social pariah. When I was 15 I got a balloon from a guy. And that was it, until I got married. I would like to say that I am now confident enough that Valentine's Day has lost it's appeal, but I'm not. I have never become so pragmatic that romance has lost it's appeal. No matter what our budget, we have always exchanged cards and gifts. Last year we even went out to dinner. This year, with a baby and all the costs that that entails, I'm not sure.

**He made me dinner and chocolate covered strawberries! How did no one snatch him up before I got to him?

Friday, February 06, 2009

Stimulus Schmimulus

Maybe I'm just stupid, and certainly I'm no economics expert, but wouldn't a better stimulus plan be to revamp and fix NAFTA? Maybe bring some of those manufacturing jobs back to the US? I mean, as opposed to spending a billion dollars or whatever on furniture for a new government building. I really was, and I still try to, hold out on Obama being the great fixer of all the Bush fuck-ups. He was Bobby Kennedy and the second coming all in one. And now his stimulus seems to be just a list of earmarks justified only with the claim that people will have to be hired to work on the projects, which means jobs. In that case, I want them to stimulus me a new house, a big one. And it'll help the economy by paying construction crews to do it all!