Friday, June 17, 2016

Now all I need is the money

I found ten feet of 4 1/2 foot wide marble on craigslist and let me tell you, this stuff is GORGEOUS. No boring white carerra shit, this has reds and browns and veining and cloud-like areas, and it's only $200. I guess it was on someone's ten foot kitchen island. Unfortunately, I have more than ten feet of counterspace in my kitchen. BUT, if I bought the $300 porcelain covered cast iron drainboard sink I found, it could work. All new countertops for $500. I want this to happen. So, now I only need to find $500.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

New profile pic

I changed my profile picture. This is my absolute favoritest picture ever, because it is too ridiculous for me to even wish it were attractive. I want this to be in my obituary. Hell, I want this on my driver's license. And then if I get pulled over, I will simply look up at the police officer with the same smile, and he will instantly know that it is me. What could be wrong with that?

Saturday, June 11, 2016

My baby grewed up

Ryan graduated. And turned 18. And got a tattoo. And started college. All in the past 2 weeks.This has been too much for me. I am appreciating Xanax and alcohol. Also, I appreciate my friends. The ones who give me free beer and play Cards Against Humanity with me, and show me their envy-hate worthy sewing rooms and then turn off all of their outside lights so that I can walk straight off a retaining wall on my way to their driveway and break my foot.

gnarly broken foot
Also, as much as I hate my anxiety/panic disorder, it does serve a purpose at times. For instance, when faced with my baby girl growing up, moving on, possibly not needing me anymore and moving in with a shady musician (not that she's dating anyone, but it could happen), my brain chose instead to focus on the graduation party. And with pinterest in front of me, I had plenty of reasons to panic. Decorations! Invitations! Pun filled candy bars in expensive and otherwise useless apothecary jars! But, no. My brain decided that the party would have bowls of mixed nuts, and that some of these bowls would sit upon the coffee table in the sitting room.  The problem? We didn't have a coffee table in the sitting room. And the party was in one week. So my brain passed go, didn't collect shit, and went straight to "OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO BUILD A COFFEE TABLE!"  From scratch! With no woodworking experience at all! And not just any table. I wanted an antique map-maker's cupboard to use as a coffee table. Like this one.
antique map-maker's cabinet

And after days of sawing and nailing and glueing and screwing and sanding and staining and two thirty mile round trip visits to Menards, this is what I ended up with.
ignore the mess and focus on the table

And nuts were placed upon it, and people were seated near it, and it did not collapse and it served its purpose and the party went off without a hitch.  
One tip that I have for any graduate is this; acknowledge those who helped you get there. Not just your parents, but those few special teachers who made a difference.  We ordered these trophies for less than $10 each from and had them engraved for 4 of the teachers who really made a difference, who took Ryan under their wing in some way or another. And I can tell you that all of them teared up. She'd graduated, there were no suck-up points to be earned, and none of them were even her teacher her senior year, but a student had thanked them from the heart for doing a thankless job.  It was nice, and more kids need to do that shit.

Saturday, June 04, 2016

I'm almost 40

I'm almost 40, my daughter just graduated high school, turned 18, and got her first (only?) tattoo all in the same week, and I've been reflecting on life because of all of it. And you know what I've decided?  Life is too short to match your bra to your panties. Here's a small key to happiness; find panties that you love, buy 20 pairs of them, and shove them all in the same drawer. Don't fold your underwear- that's a waste of time.  Now, find a bra you like and buy 5 of it. In a color close to your skin tone so it doesn't stand out against a white blouse. Then, shove them in a drawer. Now, when you want to get dressed, put on your bra without looking, grab a pair of panties, and then spend your time on the clothes people will see. "But what if I meet Johnny Depp and he wants to hook up? Won't I wish I was wearing cute and uncomfortable underwear?" No. You're not going to happen upon Johnny Depp today; he's not going to abandon his plans for the day because you fill him with uncontrollable lust, and if you do possess that kind of lusty power over men, your underwear isn't going to kryptonite it all to hell. You can slip them off with your pants, anyway.  If a man is lucky enough to see you in your bra and panties, he is in no position to judge them. He should thank his lucky stars and toss them to the floor.