Monday, September 24, 2012

Unusual phrases that give me comfort

Life is arbitrary and ultimately meaningless.  This gives me comfort because it reminds me not to bang my head against the wall looking for the meaning of life, trying to figure out why we exist and who we are.  We make our own fate, our own destiny. Life is what we make it. On the converse,

It's not up to us to seek forgiveness from God, but to forgive God ourselves. This gives me comfort because it just makes sense to me. If there is a God, he's handing out cancers and plagues and earthquakes and hurricanes. All we are doing is making our way through the world to the best of our ability with human failings, failings that God gave to us. How many people do you know who secretly hold these things against God, yet still beg Him for forgiveness? No, the secret to finding peace is in forgiving God. And once you've forgiven God, it's much easier to accept His authority to forgive you. But as long as you're holding a grudge, no matter how buried and repressed it may be, it's hard to truly want forgiveness from someone you blame for killing your family.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Depression Lies

My ex boyfriend killed himself. In fact, the last 2 guys I dated before Tom have killed themselves, along with a positively wonderful guy I knew in high school but was never lucky enough or cool enough to date. Several times in my life (more than a couple but less than a dozen) I almost killed myself. I remember sitting at my mother's dining room table swallowing pills over some guy named Paul, just because he liked his ex and not me. Somehow, by some twist of fate, the bottle I'd grabbed had old antibiotics in it, not the heart pills the label said it had. I was lucky.

Sometimes I get all philosophical and trippy and think, what if I actually did? What if I killed myself back in high school over some insignificant teenage trauma and all of this, my life and my home and my family, are all some ridiculously detailed afterlife dream? What if my marriage and my children are purgatory? That thought actually makes the whole theory believable some days.

What if I had killed myself back then? Would I have killed myself over Paul, or over some boy whose name I can't remember now? Or over a report card grade I can't remember? Which insignificant drama would have been worth disappearing for? What about my life should have killed me?

Depression lies. Sometimes it lies so convincingly that you need meds to see the truth, but depression always lies. It never tells the truth.  It tells you life is terrible , and that only the weak take meds, and that everything would be better if you just ended it. Or maybe it just tells you to sleep all the time and that there's no point to getting better. But the thing is, if it were true, if there was no point and life is terrible, meds wouldn't change that so what's the harm in trying them? Why not try to get better? Even if "better" is an illusion, the illusion has to be preferable to death. So try the meds. There are tons of generics and your regular MD can prescribe them. And no matter how loudly depression lies or how convincingly depression lies, always remember that depression only lies. It absolutely cannot tell the truth. Ever. It only and always lies.

Walmart sells several anti-depressants for only $4.00 a month. Money is no reason not to get help. I know because it was my reason not to get help and looking back now I can see that it was bullshit.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012


I have decided to change my wifi network name (as soon as I can figure ut how). I am taking a vote in the comments section to see what I should change it to. I will also take write-in votes from anyone wittier than me. Don't be afraid; I haven't set the bar too high.

  1. Voldemort's Lair
  2. Room of Requirement
  3. FBI surveillance van #231
  4. DEA surveillance van #231
  5. All the girls say I'm pretty fly for a wi-fi
  6. wi-fi full of viruses
  7. wi-fi full of crazy porn (I really just want to see how many of my neighbors try to hook up to that one)

Sunday, September 09, 2012

See? No resemblance at all.

People writing tutorials or posting photos of homemade Godzilla costumes online have apparently never seen Godzilla. He is black, not green, people! He has bumpy skin like a lizard, not scales like a snake. He has white-edged and round-pointed plates on his back, in three rows, not pointy triangles. This is not just a T-Rex! Godzilla is a character, a monster all his own, and it's kind of insulting to Godzilla fans when you tell people to sew a tail onto a green sweatsuit and call it Godzilla.  Here are some photos to illustrate my new pet peeve.

He's just trying to find himself

Danny comes into the room, crying, obviously distraught about something.
Danny: Where Demmy? Mommy, where Demmy go?
Me: You are Danny.
Danny: (perks up) I am Demmy! (runs toward bedroom) I Demmy! Tommy, I find Demmy! I Demmy.

I think maybe I get their names mixed up too much. Poor kid doesn't even know his own name.

Sunday, September 02, 2012

Hearts aren't that important anyway

I have a harmless heart murmur called premature ventricular contraction. It means that every once in a while my pathetic white-girl sense of rhythm fails me and my heart goes from lub-dub lub-dub to lub-dub-lub.....DUB. It feels like when someone scares you and your heart skips a beat, except it happens for no good goddamned reason every couple days or so. It's completely harmless and after a while you just get used to it.

Well it's happening an awful lot the last couple days and I can't help but wonder if it's connected to my new meds. Are heart palpitations a sever enough side effect to report, or is it no big deal since I get it  every once in a while anyway? I think I'll wait and see if it keeps up at this pace or not. I really want these meds to work out and help me, so I want to wait until I know for sure I can't take them.  Wish me luck!

Saturday, September 01, 2012

You didn't build that

My husband drives truck for a small family-owned, very successful company. They built that company from the ground up. And those trucks are driven on government-built roads and highways. Roads and highways plowed all winter by government employees, keeping the very successful trucking company from being a seasonal business. The trucks themselves are built to government standards. It's a comfort to me, as a driver's wife, that Peterbilt can't just find some cheaper yet more brittle metal to make truck axles out of.

I have a friend whose husband owned a business which did not succeed. They filed bankruptcy (thank you government bankruptcy laws) and got those debts wiped off. They are now purchasing a new home with a no money down VA mortgage.

My children will, god willing, become huge self-made successes in whichever fields they choose. My 14 year old has already surpassed my knowledge of math and science and is taking, her freshman year, sophomore classes. Thank you government-funded, government-mandated, government-standard-meeting public schools.  When she goes to college, she will undoubtedly go with government-backed student loans and grants. And don't even get me started on state universities!

If your business relies on roads, or on deliveries from trucks that drive on roads, if you ever needed and received a government-backed small business loan, if your business resides in a building built to safety standards, if you're grateful that the products you buy are subject to laws regulating how they are made, what can be used in them, and truth in manufacturing laws, you don't build it.  Not all buy yourself, not without opportunities and help from the government. America is a wonderful place that affords many opportunities, and it's ridiculous to base an entire political party's campaign platform on the idea that anyone who says so is insulting you.