Thursday, October 06, 2016


Anyone trying to quit smoking?
Niacin, or vitamin B3 pills, are made of niacinamide, also called nicotinamide. Taking B3 supplements daily can ease nicotine withdrawal.
Ever heard that the leaves and stems of the potato plant are poisonous? It's because of high nicotine levels in the plant. Raw potatoes are excellent snacks while quitting smoking, and are unpalatable enough to give up eating after you've kicked the habit.
Don't fall for the myth that you should chew gum or suck suckers while quitting. Oral replacements only reinforce the idea that you'd rather be smoking, and if you want to squit then by definition you don't want to smoke anymore. This is also why you need to recognize that your addiction, the literal enemy, is causing your cravings. It is NOT that your body wants a cigarette, it's that your addiction wants one.
Physical nicotine withdrawal hits it's peak at 1.5 hours post tobacco and only lasts for 3 weeks maximum. If you can sleep for 2 hours in a row, then you can make it for 3 weeks. The addiction lies dormant but causes no symptoms after 3 weeks. The reason people start smoking after that time is because they've either confused cravings with desire and still believe that they're denying themselves something they truly want (a person can only deny them self something they truly want for so long), or they remember the stress relief that comes with smoking a cigarette and believe it will happen again.
You know the feeling that comes with taking off a necktie or a bra after a long day? Smoking after the withdrawal has ended is like wearing a tie, or too tight shoes, just to feel relief when you take them off. The only stress a cigarette can cure is the stress of withdrawal. And remember, withdrawal peaks after an hour of a half. So the cigarette you grab after a death or divorce or job loss can only create more stress, not relieve the current stress.
Crying during withdrawal is not a sign of worsening withdrawal. Tears contain cortisol, a stress hormone. Crying during withdrawal is your body's way of helping you kick the habit. Your amazing body is actually relieving the stress of nicotine withdrawal by itself. So if you're somewhere where you're free to cry, let go and let out as many tears as you can and count down to 3 weeks

Friday, June 17, 2016

Now all I need is the money

I found ten feet of 4 1/2 foot wide marble on craigslist and let me tell you, this stuff is GORGEOUS. No boring white carerra shit, this has reds and browns and veining and cloud-like areas, and it's only $200. I guess it was on someone's ten foot kitchen island. Unfortunately, I have more than ten feet of counterspace in my kitchen. BUT, if I bought the $300 porcelain covered cast iron drainboard sink I found, it could work. All new countertops for $500. I want this to happen. So, now I only need to find $500.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

New profile pic

I changed my profile picture. This is my absolute favoritest picture ever, because it is too ridiculous for me to even wish it were attractive. I want this to be in my obituary. Hell, I want this on my driver's license. And then if I get pulled over, I will simply look up at the police officer with the same smile, and he will instantly know that it is me. What could be wrong with that?

Saturday, June 11, 2016

My baby grewed up

Ryan graduated. And turned 18. And got a tattoo. And started college. All in the past 2 weeks.This has been too much for me. I am appreciating Xanax and alcohol. Also, I appreciate my friends. The ones who give me free beer and play Cards Against Humanity with me, and show me their envy-hate worthy sewing rooms and then turn off all of their outside lights so that I can walk straight off a retaining wall on my way to their driveway and break my foot.

gnarly broken foot
Also, as much as I hate my anxiety/panic disorder, it does serve a purpose at times. For instance, when faced with my baby girl growing up, moving on, possibly not needing me anymore and moving in with a shady musician (not that she's dating anyone, but it could happen), my brain chose instead to focus on the graduation party. And with pinterest in front of me, I had plenty of reasons to panic. Decorations! Invitations! Pun filled candy bars in expensive and otherwise useless apothecary jars! But, no. My brain decided that the party would have bowls of mixed nuts, and that some of these bowls would sit upon the coffee table in the sitting room.  The problem? We didn't have a coffee table in the sitting room. And the party was in one week. So my brain passed go, didn't collect shit, and went straight to "OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO BUILD A COFFEE TABLE!"  From scratch! With no woodworking experience at all! And not just any table. I wanted an antique map-maker's cupboard to use as a coffee table. Like this one.
antique map-maker's cabinet

And after days of sawing and nailing and glueing and screwing and sanding and staining and two thirty mile round trip visits to Menards, this is what I ended up with.
ignore the mess and focus on the table

And nuts were placed upon it, and people were seated near it, and it did not collapse and it served its purpose and the party went off without a hitch.  
One tip that I have for any graduate is this; acknowledge those who helped you get there. Not just your parents, but those few special teachers who made a difference.  We ordered these trophies for less than $10 each from and had them engraved for 4 of the teachers who really made a difference, who took Ryan under their wing in some way or another. And I can tell you that all of them teared up. She'd graduated, there were no suck-up points to be earned, and none of them were even her teacher her senior year, but a student had thanked them from the heart for doing a thankless job.  It was nice, and more kids need to do that shit.

Saturday, June 04, 2016

I'm almost 40

I'm almost 40, my daughter just graduated high school, turned 18, and got her first (only?) tattoo all in the same week, and I've been reflecting on life because of all of it. And you know what I've decided?  Life is too short to match your bra to your panties. Here's a small key to happiness; find panties that you love, buy 20 pairs of them, and shove them all in the same drawer. Don't fold your underwear- that's a waste of time.  Now, find a bra you like and buy 5 of it. In a color close to your skin tone so it doesn't stand out against a white blouse. Then, shove them in a drawer. Now, when you want to get dressed, put on your bra without looking, grab a pair of panties, and then spend your time on the clothes people will see. "But what if I meet Johnny Depp and he wants to hook up? Won't I wish I was wearing cute and uncomfortable underwear?" No. You're not going to happen upon Johnny Depp today; he's not going to abandon his plans for the day because you fill him with uncontrollable lust, and if you do possess that kind of lusty power over men, your underwear isn't going to kryptonite it all to hell. You can slip them off with your pants, anyway.  If a man is lucky enough to see you in your bra and panties, he is in no position to judge them. He should thank his lucky stars and toss them to the floor.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Depression lies

Dopamine gets released, or not. Receptors pick it up, or not. Serotonin, same deal. We get depressed, we get happy, if we're lucky we muddle along at content, and we think it's all our outlook or our circumstances, but we don't know. Diet and exercise and medication and psychoanalysis and in the end, it's all up to what synapse fires when and whether or not the rest of your brain is looking when it does.
To all of my friends with depression or anxiety, just know that it's not your fault, that no one with a brain thinks it's your fault. And to all of my cheerful friends, the optimists and the seers of the silver lining, realize that you didn't just "choose happy", that you have chemical and reactive help in your head that not everyone else has.
And to all of my friends who have lost someone to the serotonin and dopamine imbalances, know that they were strong, not weak. To be strong every single moment of your life except for one, to only let your guard down and succumb once in an entire lifetime, is beyond my understanding. I admire their tenacity during the struggle and don't fault them their moment of weakness. But it's hard sometimes.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Things that cannot die with me

1. To make black frosting, start the night before. Take white frosting and add cocoa powder, blue, red, and yellow food colorings. The next day it will have turned black, and it won't taste shitty like black bakery frosting because it's not just a ton of black ink dumped into white frosting.

2. If you're going to paint something, prime it and then add floetrol to the paint to eliminate brush strokes. It will look like it came from a factory. For extra staying power, add a gloss or matte topcoat.

3. To apply liquid eyeliner more easily, use a pencil forst and then trace that line with the liquid.

4.To avoid spending time blowing on your coffee before you can drink it, add an extra scoop of grounds to the filter, and then add ice cubes to your mug to cool it down. Also easier than making coffee ice cubes.

5. To judge a photo of yourself without nitpicking, step back and ask yourself if it would look good at your funeral. Everyone wants to look thin and young and sexy in their pictures, but seeing it from your kids' perspective lets you focus on the expression of your face and the overall feel instead.

6. Never buy dark carpet. It shows EVERYTHING.

7.  Use your things; don't store them. A beautiful silver bowl does no good in a cupboard. Make it your soap dish or put it on the toilet tank to stick your wedding ring and ponytail holder in before showers.

8. Compliment strangers. Tell little girls how much you like their shoes. Tell the check-out lady if you think her hair looks great. Everyone likes a compliment, it doesn't cost anything to give them out, and the worst that can happen is that someone you will probably never see again thinks you're weird.

9. Try listing the songs on your next mix cd by memory instead of title. Make a cd label that says "Senior prom", "Late nights with the baby", and "that time in high school we got stuck in the ditch".  Admit it, that's how you think of some songs, anyway, and why does anyone else have to understand the writing on your mix cd?

10. Baileys is a valid coffee creamer. Don't let anyone else tell you different.

11. Don't worry about whether or not your decor matches. Eclectic is a valid decorating style.

Monday, March 21, 2016

It's not about the piss

To all of the men who pee and then don't wash their hands because they didn't get any pee on their hands, You touched your junk. There are junk germs all over your hands. You touch the door, my kids touch the door, now my kids have your junk all over their hands. Just wash your damn hands. It's not that we don't want your pee (but we don't), it's that we don't want your wiener cooties! Nobody wants your wiener cooties!

Friday, March 18, 2016

Damn liberal media.

How come when Kim Kardashian wears it, it's called a "waist-trainer" but when I wear it it's called a girdle?

Sunday, March 13, 2016

A thrill a minute....

I've reached an age where the universe keeps my life interesting for me. I don't have to do anything. I used to have to do my make up and wear push-up things to stay up all night having an exciting and eventful night. Now all I have to do is eat dinner. That's it. Just eat dinner and sit back and wait to find out if my stomach will absorb and appreciate my offering, or if it will refuse it, and send it flying from my body. I used to love eating at Buffalo Wild Wings. Now it fills me with fear and trepidation. Do I feel lucky tonight? Am I willing to eat hot wings a half hour away from my house? Am I stocked up on toilet paper? Can I stay hydrated if this thing turns south?  I have to stock up on bottled water before date night the way other people do before a storm.  Yep, life is exciting. And I'm still four months shy of turning 40.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

I love my new friends.

I used to see those cute picture frames that say FRIENDS or GIRLS' NIGHT and feel sad. I've had friends, but never a whole group of them. Never anything worth buying the frames for.  But now I have friends. One is moving within the next couple of months, but I have friends! Good friends. We do have girls' night. We've done a wine and paint night and that was tons of fun.  And I really really hope that one day we'll go on a girls only road trip to see just how far away our fearless leader is moving. I foresee many visits to Oceans of Fun in beautiful Kansas city Missouri.
Last week we did a wine and paint night where we learned how to paint a bottle of wine next to a half full glass of wine.  I think we should do a lot more of that kind of stuff.

Thursday, January 07, 2016

My subconscious is confused.

I keep having variations of the same dream. I'm hanging out with Mom at her house, and then suddenly I remember that she died and somebody else owns the house. So now I'm scared that we'll be caught inside the house by the new owner and I'm worried about where Mom will live now. She can stay with me, no problem, but  I don't have all of her stuff, and is she going to get mad at me for what I didn't keep? But most urgently we have to get out of this stranger's house before they come home and catch us inside! We have the lights on and everything, we'll be seen from the outside! Did we move anything? Is my van out in the driveway advertising our presence? How did we even get inside here, anyway? And then I wake up in a panic before I realize that it was just a dream, Mom's still dead, and I don't know whether to feel relieved or sad.