Honda Odyssey

I got a new minivan yesterday. Well, a used one, but new to me. It's so nice. It has built in window screens in the back (in addition to tinted windows), a dvd player that flips out of the ceiling, heated seats to warm my tushy, automatic doors I can open with my keychain, all sorts of bells and whistles. And what's best, is that it looks nothing like an SUV! (total irony, we bought it at the Hummer dealership.)

I think I've figured out what my problem is with the SUV craze. My problem is that I am minivan. I am 100% the target minivan demographic. I have 3 kids, I'm a stay at home mom, most of my driving is to take kids places. And I absolutely resent the implication, by car designers and society at large, that I should be ashamed of this. That I should try to hide my life and pretend that I'm going off-roading instead of to the pediatrician's office. I like my life. I love my family and my life, and I don't take too kindly to hearing people say that minivans are so soccer mom, or that they'd never be caught dead driving a minivan because vans are just for pudgy housewives with spit-up stained sweat pants. Well first off, that's not true. But more importantly, I am a pudgy housewife who owns spit-up stained sweats. And I'm not ashamed of that. I mean, maybe if driving a Trailblazer would make me skinnier, or buy me nicer clothes, I would consider it an upgrade. But all it would do is tell the world that I'm ashamed of who and what I am, and I'm not.

Here's a secret, everyone at soccer practice already knows you're a soccer mom

If you have 3 kids and need a bigger vehicle, a minivan makes sense. If you need to be able to buckle 2 kids into car seats, store a backpack or two plus extra diapers and snacks for on the go, and still have space for groceries, a minivan sounds just about perfect. If you're an adult who needs an adult car, doesn't drive in dangerous or off-road conditions, and wants to save money on fuel, you should look into getting a minivan.

So why do these people always buy SUVs instead?! Here's an interesting little known fact; a minivan will not actually castrate a man. It also won't age you, or give you back pain, or impregnate you with more children than you currently have. It's just a vehicle, and a pretty practical one at that. It's not just for den mothers or soccer moms, but even if it were that's a pretty sizable demographic anyway, and also happens to be the same target audience that resists it so much. And driving your kids to soccer practice in a Trailblazer because you're too cool or sporty or whatever to drive a minivan makes you look ridiculous. Everyone at soccer practice already knows you're a soccer mom. And what's more, they're insulted that you think it's something to be ashamed of since they are also soccer moms. Embrace it, because to do otherwise is idiotic.

Yes, that's right. The denial looks worse than the truth. You end up looking like this guy, who is similarly ashamed to admit he is bald.