Dieting Again. Ugh.

I'm back on my diet. I hate diets, all the worry and guilt and deprivation. That's probably why I've only ever been on one in my life, that and a fast metabolism. But I'm thirty now, and a mother, and I'm planning on having more children in the next year or so, so I should try to keep small rather than get huge and then try to shrink myself back. At least, that's what I tell myself; the truth is, my jeans are getting a bit tight and the new parts of my ass seem to be growing. Women thirty and older should all know what I mean by "new parts"; they're the bubbles that form on your hips when you bend over, the bulges at the end of the crease between thigh and abdomen. I hate them and they're ability to appear from out of nowhere in one day.

Anyway, back to the diet. As I've said, I've only been on one diet before, and since it worked I'm going back on it. It's probably not one anyone has heard of before, as it has no medical or celebrity endorsements, as I invented it out of spite about three years ago. I was tired of hearing all the women I worked with bitching about the no-carb diet, so just to shut them up I decided to go on an all-carb diet. I ate nothing but carbs for two months, stuffing my face with carbs right n front of them, just to be evil. Of course, my diet wasn't ALL carbs, but it was mostly grains so I pissed them off enough to make myself happy. After a couple months, though, I discovered a pleasant bonus to my spite diet. I had gone from a size 9 to a size 5! Well, now that my 6's are getting tight in the waist, I'm back to the carbs.

Since I realize that there is no nutritional evidence to back up an all-carb diet, or more accurately, a heavy-on-the-carbs diet, I feel the need to reiterate:
THE ALL-CARB DIET IS NOT PROVEN AND MAY KILL YOU.
That being said, here's how the diet goes. Eat as much bread, potatoes, cereal, and rice as you can. Not to the exclusion of everything else, but something with every meal is good, according to the plan if not medical science. But, eat whole grains. Whole wheat breads, brown rice, boring adult cereal with no cartoons on the box or colors not in the brown family. The theory here, invented again by me only after being asked to explain how on earth eating tons of carbs can work when Dr Atkins said different, is that sugar is not fattening. It might be, but my theory says it isn't so we'll go with that. Sugar isn't fattening; fat is fattening. Sugar is only bad when it is a source of empty calories. And since most people in this culture think sugar is white, it makes sense that sugar is empty. But sugar is only white when it has been refined, reduced, and bleached by man into nothingness. And the sugar that your body makes from carbohydrates has not been refined, reduced, or bleached. It is energy sugar, and can speed up metabolism and provide energy to exercise, if you exercise. Now, the motivation to exercise is a difficult thing to find, unless you have spent the entire day eating foods that your body has turned into sugar. Carbs give you the calories needed to exercise, but they aren't empty calories because they are natural. Like I said, this is my own theory and it is no more scientific than the theory that I know what the hell I'm talking about. Because I don't. But I know that lunch today is brown rice with soy sauce (butter is fat, so it's off the diet), and supper will be whole wheat spaghetti drizzled in olive oil, diced tomatoes, and basil. Sound dull? Well it's diet food so it is dull. But my jeans will fit again soon and I will have the wallpaper stripped from the bathroom walls in no time.








Disclaimer: I have never claimed to have any medical training or knowledge and do not even pretend to know what is good for me. This diet is not a balanced diet and no one should go on it, ever. Unless, of course, science ends up discovering that it is good, in which case I thought of it first. I know nothing of nutrition so there is a very good chance that following this diet could result in some form of vitamin deficiency and or malnutrition. If you want to lose weight, visit a nutritionist, not a blog.