I don't know much about computers. Mine runs really slow and I have no idea how to fix it. I run ad-ware and spy-ware programs daily and I defrag weekly, but it doesn't seem to help. Someone told me once to reformat, but I found out that I would have to burn every single file I have to disc and that's just way too much work, and a lot of discs, so I pretty much just deal with stuff on my own at a dos-meets-dial-up pace and ask people how to do things as I run into them. Or I google walk-throughs and take whatever bad advice I find on complaint forums, because I have no way of knowing what is bad advice and what is the good and effective advice I seek. Finally, fed up with such incompetence, my computer has mutinied. It randomly pops up alerts to announce that scheduled updates have failed, I occasionally get an extra empty beige stripe between my address bar and title bar, and lately it has started changing its own wallpaper whenever I close or minimize Sims Pets. That's the worst.
I know I don't have a virus, because I run updated anti-virus software daily, as well as several free products (AVG, trend micro, etc) and because I have never heard of the G. Gordon Liddy computer virus. Yes, I know it's ironic since I recently had my daughter write a paper on Watergate, a paper in which I took a hit for screwing up Mr. Liddy's very name, and then published it to this tiny corner of the web. I think perhaps I am the victim of a Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. (I like Hill, but it sounds a bit grassy-knollish even to me.)
I think perhaps high ranking Republican officials are angry at me for my Liddy faux pas and are insidiously hacking my personal computer and placing a very disturbing photo of G. Gordon Liddy, some out of shape older women in unflattering underwear, and high powered assault rifles on my desktop screen. To be honest, it's not a photo I am entirely unfamiliar with, as I recently came upon the frightening image at somethingawful mere hours before this first happened. How frightening is it? Check for yourself:
Yes, it is that horrible. It is apparently the cover of some disturbing calendar from 2001. Two thousand one! Where G. Gordon Liddy managed to find 1970s porn stars in 2001 is beyond me. Personally, I thought vanity and ego were such ingrained American traits that women who looked like this tried to avoid being seen publicly in only their Sears catalog granny panties. Although, disturbing as the photo is, I do appreciate the humor in any photo of Liddy breaking into a locked room.
I wonder, did they have scantily clad women with assault weapons at the Watergate break in? Because it would go a little way toward explaining the photo if the point were to use authentic period costumes.
Either way, I don't very much enjoy having my Sims-buzz ruined by this freak-show and his lazy-eyed girlfriends. Is the one on the floor supposed to be winking or does she have an ill-fitting glass eye, perhaps from being poked in the face by one of the guns? Oh my God, maybe she had a Grafenberg- stroke! Is that what I'll look like someday? And if so, please tell me there's a better term for it, because Grafenberg-stroke sounds a lot more like what caused it than the actual damage itself. Now that I think of it though, Grafenberg-stroke would be a great name for a band. Or a Marilyn Manson CD. But I'd hate to see the cover image.
Somehow I need to find a way to get this horrific government conspiracy / computer virus / practical joke by a secretly sentient computer with a bad sense of humor to end. And oddly enough I can't find any advice, good or bad, on any complaint forums.
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