Sunday, August 05, 2012

Mmmmmmm, self-medicationnnnn

I drink. I drink and I like to drink.  I like a cold beer or two after a stressful day, I like the occasional drink at the bar, talking over the jukebox and laughing with friends.  I like a quiet drink after the kids are in bed or an absent-minded drink while cooking dinner.  And a big part of it is self-medicating, I know. The Manic part of my manic depression isn't the euphoric high most people get; mine is a horrible anxiety where I feel overwhelmed and stressed about any little thing.  Not anxiety like that I can't leave the house or I panic in crowds. More like the feeling that I'm forgetting something really important and I can't keep a solid train of thought.  And if I have a drink or two, the anxiety goes away.  I could take a Xanax but those make me so sleepy and they last for hours and hours and a beer just takes the edge off and only lasts for about an hour.  The problem is that I don't like having to drink.  I don't like drinking nightly and I don't like glancing at the clock to see if it's too early to drink and I don't like running out of milk and not being able to run to the store for more because I've had a drink.  So I stopped drinking.  Not a 12 step program sort of thing; I wasn't that bad.  My issue has never been that I can't stop drinking. My issue is just that if there's beer here, I'll drink it.  If there's a six pack, I will drink every night until it's gone. Same with a case.  So I just stopped buying it and stopped drinking it and all was fine.  And then Tom bought a 12 pack and now it is in the fridge.  It was there yesterday and I didn't drink any. And it is there tonight and I'm not drinking any.  And it's not like it's hard not to drink it; more like it's a habit to go grab one and I'm having to remind myself not to. 
I don't know why I'm blogging this. Reading it makes it sound like I have an alcohol problem, and I don't. I just have a tendency to drink more than most people and I recognize that it could become a problem.  I just really can't wait until I get some maintenance meds at the end of the month and don't have to resist the urge to self-medicate anymore.  Because as nice as it tastes, 12 cups of Sleepytime tea a day aren't cutting it as well as some honest to God pharmaceuticals would.

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