Monday, September 17, 2012

Depression Lies

My ex boyfriend killed himself. In fact, the last 2 guys I dated before Tom have killed themselves, along with a positively wonderful guy I knew in high school but was never lucky enough or cool enough to date. Several times in my life (more than a couple but less than a dozen) I almost killed myself. I remember sitting at my mother's dining room table swallowing pills over some guy named Paul, just because he liked his ex and not me. Somehow, by some twist of fate, the bottle I'd grabbed had old antibiotics in it, not the heart pills the label said it had. I was lucky.

Sometimes I get all philosophical and trippy and think, what if I actually did? What if I killed myself back in high school over some insignificant teenage trauma and all of this, my life and my home and my family, are all some ridiculously detailed afterlife dream? What if my marriage and my children are purgatory? That thought actually makes the whole theory believable some days.

What if I had killed myself back then? Would I have killed myself over Paul, or over some boy whose name I can't remember now? Or over a report card grade I can't remember? Which insignificant drama would have been worth disappearing for? What about my life should have killed me?

Depression lies. Sometimes it lies so convincingly that you need meds to see the truth, but depression always lies. It never tells the truth.  It tells you life is terrible , and that only the weak take meds, and that everything would be better if you just ended it. Or maybe it just tells you to sleep all the time and that there's no point to getting better. But the thing is, if it were true, if there was no point and life is terrible, meds wouldn't change that so what's the harm in trying them? Why not try to get better? Even if "better" is an illusion, the illusion has to be preferable to death. So try the meds. There are tons of generics and your regular MD can prescribe them. And no matter how loudly depression lies or how convincingly depression lies, always remember that depression only lies. It absolutely cannot tell the truth. Ever. It only and always lies.

Walmart sells several anti-depressants for only $4.00 a month. Money is no reason not to get help. I know because it was my reason not to get help and looking back now I can see that it was bullshit.

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