In my next life, I'm a dyke all the way

I hate when we fight right before bed.  He goes to sleep, I stay up to make the point that I'm mad and not just going to trot off to share a bed with him, and then I'm the one tired but without a bed to sleep in.  Plus, he should be the one awake in the living room alone.  He's the one who refuses to confront or resolve anything.  He's the reason our fights never die, only hibernate. And now I'm yawning into a computer screen that gives me headaches and he's the one snoring into the baby monitor.  I hope I roll over in my sleep and hit him in the balls with my knee.

I'm sure I'm saying this wrong, because that's what I do.

I am so tired of feeling like everyone's happiness and mood depend on me. Everything I say seems to be insulting or mean and then people are pouting and moping and slamming doors. It's like, if I'm not tongue kissing their ass, I'm insulting them.  If I tell Tommy to quit pushing Danny, or to share a toy, he bursts into tears and lies on the floor and then slams the back of his head into the floor, and then wants lots of hugs and kisses because he's hurt. If I tell Tom that I think we should let professionals dig up the perimeter of the house and waterproof the basement, I have no faith in him and I never think he can do anything and I called him stupid.  I causally mentioned to my mother today, in response to her asking me what I've been up to, that I've been going through the boys' room getting rid of old toys, and her response was "Well go through and add up how much every toy cost and then remember that when you buy them new stuff for their birthdays and Christmas!" I said, "So now I have to leave teething rings and rattles in the toybox forever because getting rid of toys they don't play with anymore is a waste of money?" and she got all huffy and offended and apparently my response was needlessly insulting.  I just feel like I can't contribute to a conversation, or make a suggestion, or have an idea, without it somehow being taken as second-guessing someone or correcting them.  I feel like I just don't want to talk, to anyone, about anything, for like a week. Not a "hi" or "bye" or anything, because hi leads to what's up and what's up leads to why whatever is up must be wrong.. Just take a break from it all. But that would be insulting and rude and then they'd pout and slam doors and hang up. Although, to be honest, there's not much you can do but hang up when someone's completely mute.

Everything's exaggerated because I'm not that stupid.

Ever disagree with your husband about something important to him, something close to him? It's even worse when it's a family thing because then it become an in-law thing and those never end well.

It absolutely sucks. Can I say that again? Disagreeing with one's husband about his own family is a no-win situation. Literally every direction you turn you just lose. One degree angle turns all around and you're screwed at every one. It's a statistical anomaly. I mean, somewhere out there is a woman who is somehow by marriage related to a serial killer and she gets in trouble when she says "Your cousin the serial killer, not so much on the list for godparent". And for every teenage school shooter there's one parent out there who was stupid enough to say, "He got that from your side of the family." And then the other parent stormed off to the sofa and took the comfy blanket with them.

You can't even have a valid point. It's like, if the conversation veers into the in-law zone, the road is full of land mines and no concern or argument can survive, no matter how wily it may be. "But your sister is a porn star and maybe shouldn't speak at career day" becomes, somehow, "Your sister is evil incarnate and must not come near the children for fear that legions of crabs might leap from her onto their vulnerable heads."

And while we're at it, when do men learn the silent treatment? Is it that day in elementary school when they separate us and tell us all about periods and boobs? Because I really fell for the line that they got a similar chest hair and boner talk. If you get in a fight with a man and try to resolve it, they just shut down. They instantly decide that you are unworthy of any attention at all and refuse to even nod or blink in response. It is a bafflingly spot-on way to humiliate and crush someone. If only they'd just discussed chest hair and boners.

Valentine's Day

Don't you hate when you're fighting on Valentine's Day? And maybe the fight has sort of ended, but without anything getting resolved so it's just kind of hanging there in the middle of the room and everybody's walking around it, pretending it's not there, but eventually it will fall and splat open again. And even though you know/hope it will all be over with and you can move past it, and maybe if you're lucky some real actual issues will get ironed out in the process, it still absolutely sucks that the sincere and heartfelt card you spent a lot of time choosing at the card rack now smacks of unintended irony.