Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Everything's exaggerated because I'm not that stupid.

Ever disagree with your husband about something important to him, something close to him? It's even worse when it's a family thing because then it become an in-law thing and those never end well.

It absolutely sucks. Can I say that again? Disagreeing with one's husband about his own family is a no-win situation. Literally every direction you turn you just lose. One degree angle turns all around and you're screwed at every one. It's a statistical anomaly. I mean, somewhere out there is a woman who is somehow by marriage related to a serial killer and she gets in trouble when she says "Your cousin the serial killer, not so much on the list for godparent". And for every teenage school shooter there's one parent out there who was stupid enough to say, "He got that from your side of the family." And then the other parent stormed off to the sofa and took the comfy blanket with them.

You can't even have a valid point. It's like, if the conversation veers into the in-law zone, the road is full of land mines and no concern or argument can survive, no matter how wily it may be. "But your sister is a porn star and maybe shouldn't speak at career day" becomes, somehow, "Your sister is evil incarnate and must not come near the children for fear that legions of crabs might leap from her onto their vulnerable heads."

And while we're at it, when do men learn the silent treatment? Is it that day in elementary school when they separate us and tell us all about periods and boobs? Because I really fell for the line that they got a similar chest hair and boner talk. If you get in a fight with a man and try to resolve it, they just shut down. They instantly decide that you are unworthy of any attention at all and refuse to even nod or blink in response. It is a bafflingly spot-on way to humiliate and crush someone. If only they'd just discussed chest hair and boners.

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