And "squish" is not a good place to go!

I think my warranty is up. I have sore joints, back pain, migraines, anxiety attacks at the same time every day (12:30 pm and 10:30 pm), I have floaters in both eyes, and the other day when I looked down at the back of my hand, I swear it was my grandmother's.  And then I realize that I am only 35, and if I'm lucky I'm not even halfway through my life yet.  If I'm already starting to crap out now, I'll be a Halloween decoration by the time my grandkids meet me.

You know what's really sad? When you're wearing one of your best-fitting bras and your husband tries to cop a feel and says, "Ooh, no bra?"  Apparently, everything's just gone to squish that badly.   :(

then stop eating crap

I just read a comment on this article about healthy eating, and it made me laugh. This is what it said:

to comment about "what's in your cart?"....all of those choices that the dietician made are definitely a better and healthier choice, but let's be realistic here. the cost of those foods is nearly double the cost of the other foods and, when you have a big family like mine, you simply cannot afford to buy half a package of something to feed the whole family. it is sad that, in today's society, healthy eating is so darn expensive, we are forced into buying cheaper junk foods for our families. maybe obamacare should start by making healthier food more readily available to families at an affordable price...maybe we wouldn't be in such a bad health crisis if we had the right resources....
lindawcb 8:53 AM

Now, the lady has a point; healthy food costs more than crap. But I love the line about buying cheaper junk foods for the family, because they have to have junk food and it's just a matter of what junk food, right? Because it's a choice of high fat vs low fat empty calories. What about not buying junk food? What about making a sandwich instead of eating chips for a snack? And while we're at it, a bag of popped popcorn may cost as much as a bag of chips, but a bag of generic popcorn kernels is much cheaper, and goes much farther.

I used to be young, but I'm too old to remember it any more

I am 34 years old. I am not old, or elderly, or geriatric, but I am aging. In a year, if I were to get pregnant, I would be classified as being "of advanced maternal age", which means there would be an increased risk of birth defects due to old eggs. My hair is turning silver (and it looks so good, I figure I'm about a year away from cutting the colored length off), I find myself holding papers away to read them, and my shoulders are sloping to the point where my bra strap keeps slipping off and I'm shopping around for tiny calcium supplements. And that little line between my eyebrows that comes from furrowing my brow at stupid people is now about as deep as a bullet hole.

When I was young I was so stupid. Seriously, I can look back on just about any moment of my life and feel embarrassed for myself. But I was young, and thin, and carefree. I wish I'd realized it. I wish I'd worn bikinis, and taken compliments better. I wish I'd enjoyed it before it was gone. Self-esteem should exist in the present tense and not just in hind sight.

Don't get too clean

You know what I think is hilarious? Things like this:

I am definitely not a germaphobe. I only worry about sterilizing grocery carts and washing up before eating, and I only sterilize toys after a major sickness or stomach bug.

Perhaps I am a slob, but that sounds germaphobey to me. Sterilizing toys? I went through 3 pregnancies and my doctor was reaching up into my cervix weekly with unsterilized gloves, and this person sterilizes toys every time a kid pukes?

Remember the first time you were told that a yeast infection was an overgrowth of a fungus that naturally lives in the vagina? Remember how yucky it was to realize that there's a normal amount of fungus in there even when everything's okay? Or how about when you read that douching is bad because it washes away the good bacteria too? Good bacteria?! See the problem is that a lot of people never realize that we are not alone on the top of the food chain. When public school teachers give examples of symbiosis, they often mention birds living on rhinos rather than the bacteria living within all of us.

Many bacteria living in our mouths (no, brushing doesn't kill them all) are there only to prevent more dangerous bacteria from moving in. And so many different enzymes and bacteria live in the intestines that in a very real sense, every single person is a giant walking petri dish. But the thing is, all that stuff, the gut flora, serves an important purpose. It helps us digest our food. Enzymes and bacteria break down food even better than stomach acid. And as it's broken down, nutrients are released and can be absorbed through the intestinal walls. Without bacteria living inside of us, parasites squirming around in our bellies, we would likely starve to death, or at least die of malnutrition if not outright starvation.

So the next time you start to feel all superior and independent and like you don't need anybody or anything, remember that you might just be one bout of cleansing diarrhea away from severe vitamin deficiencies. Humanity as a species is not a solitary one. We not only need each other, but we also need some of the lower links on the food chain, and not just to kill and eat. I wonder if people really understand that, that we would die on our own. I wonder, when people vote to screw the little guy, or exhibit the "Not my problem, every man for himself" attitude, do they realize that they only exist because they are involuntarily hosting billions of parasites, which are also involuntarily keeping them alive?

Sanitary does not equal sterile. Next time you're coating your hands with Purell or soaking toys in bleach, remember that. The cleaner we get as a society, the higher the rates of asthma and allergies get. It's not a coincidence.

I'm a gluttonous pig!

I want to eat healthy, I really do. I want to feel superior in the way that gluten-free vegans do. But I have a weakness, a horrible gluttonous weakness: beer and potato chips. I drink a beer*, and then I want to eat Ruffles chips dipped in straight sour cream. I crave it. I want crunchy, greasy, fatty foods. I know it's bad and horrible and I can visualize the grease and oil literally settling in my aorta, yet I crave it anyway. I want to commit suicide by potato chip. I try to pacify myself with popcorn (crunchy and salty) but it's not the same. And you know what's even better, but no amount of beer can break down my defenses enough to eat it? Hostess Suzy Q's and then Ruffles chips.
Damn I'm hungry.





*Alcohol is considered a drug compatible with breastfeeding, if used in moderation. [source]