What fuddy duddy?

I had a friend tell me the other day that she was making it her mission to young me up, whatever that means. She said I act too old, and she's going to fix that.  "But I like being old," I told her. "Oh, you can keep being mature and adult. We'll just get rid of the fuddy duddy part."  Wait, what?
What fuddy duddy part? My cardigan sweater with the tissues in the pocket?  My gray hair*?  My cups of hot chamomile tea and 10:00 bedtime?  Maybe there's more, some horrifically geriatric aspect of my personality that I'm not aware of. But if not then I have to ask, why are we getting rid of my fuddy duddy part? I like my fuddy duddy part.  And I appreciate the thought, but I don't want my twenties back. I don't like loud clubs with flashing lights, I don't like late nights, and I don't like uncomfortable and attractive clothing.  I cringe every time I hear some fashion industry person complain about sweatpants and how Americans are getting slovenly picking comfort over looks.  Why not pick comfort? Why MUST fashion be uncomfortable? 
I suppose I'm supposed to dread aging, and fear being old, but I don't.  For one thing, If I'm destined to die at 80 I still have another 45 years left, even if I act 80 now.  Being a fuddy duddy doesn't bring me any closer to death than acting 20 would.  But also, every time I go to a funeral for someone who died in his teens, or twenties, or even thirties, I think about how sad it is that they didn't get to be old. Old is a prize, a goal, something you should want to achieve.  Quite literally, it beats the alternative.



* I was asked recently why I mention my hair so much and I realized that I'm embarrassed by it. Not by the gray, but by the fact that it's half red, half gray. I can't wait for it to grow out long enough to cut off the dye and be done with it, but until then I'm embarrassed by my tri-color head.

I pee pure vitamin D now

So, my old lady calcium supplements (I went with vaguely caramel flavored chews rather than suppository sized pills) have 50% of my daily value of calcium, and 125% of my daily value of vitamin D, and instructions to take twice a day. So my question is, why do I need 250% of my daily value of vitamin D, or is it really impossible to make vaguely caramel flavored chews with any less vitamin D than these? I could be a photophobic albino and these pills would keep me swimming in vitamin D.

I used to be young, but I'm too old to remember it any more

I am 34 years old. I am not old, or elderly, or geriatric, but I am aging. In a year, if I were to get pregnant, I would be classified as being "of advanced maternal age", which means there would be an increased risk of birth defects due to old eggs. My hair is turning silver (and it looks so good, I figure I'm about a year away from cutting the colored length off), I find myself holding papers away to read them, and my shoulders are sloping to the point where my bra strap keeps slipping off and I'm shopping around for tiny calcium supplements. And that little line between my eyebrows that comes from furrowing my brow at stupid people is now about as deep as a bullet hole.

When I was young I was so stupid. Seriously, I can look back on just about any moment of my life and feel embarrassed for myself. But I was young, and thin, and carefree. I wish I'd realized it. I wish I'd worn bikinis, and taken compliments better. I wish I'd enjoyed it before it was gone. Self-esteem should exist in the present tense and not just in hind sight.

Old people piss me off

When I was a kid you could tell who the old people on the road were. They drove what we liked to call boats. Big 1970s Impalas, or Cadillacs. Four door cars with trunks longer than their vinyl-covered roofs. You knew they were old and you drove accordingly. Now they drive everything. I once saw a blue-hair in a PT Cruiser with flame graphics. It's like the baby boomers are getting old and they can't accept that so they run out and buy new cars. Just. To. Fuck. With. Us. How about this, Elderly Woodstock Survivor, how about you deny your aging by getting lasik surgery so you can see the road and then driving the actual speed limit instead of ten miles under it? It's got to work at least as well as buying a2 door Intrepid and using it to block traffic.