Tom is right now somewhere in New Mexico, online, trying to find me a shrink. Why, you ask. Is it because of his magnificent powers of observation? No, he is doing it because I am having a bad day and because I asked if it would be financially possible for us to go to counseling together before trying to get pregnant...a year from now.
Why am I having a bad day and suggesting marriage counseling? Because, without giving too many intimate details, I'm having trouble forgiving Tom. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing; maybe it is a big deal and I made a mistake by dropping it when I did. But at the time I felt that bitching and ranting and crying and beating the subject into the ground would be counter-productive and of no help to my marriage. So when he came home with a tattoo of both my and my daughter's names (a symbol of both his intentions of permanence and his dedication to our family, etc. etc.) I let it drop. But really, it's not completely let go. It's dangling on a yo-yo string, an ugly blob (I picture it kind of brown and fecal in appearance) of hurt and resentment and fear. I keep it to myself mostly; but occasionally it unrolls and just hangs there, reminding me of it's presence and making me cry.
Today it was a pop-up ad that brought it all to the surface. Last time it was a comment made in the heat of passion. I suppose I could blame advertisers or Tom himself, but the fact is, it's my problem. Forgiveness is a lot harder than I thought it was when I closed the door on this topic. Tom said everything he should have. He told me ugly truths I never wanted to hear; he apologized profusely and repeatedly, he accepted all the blame and fault, and he invited me to yell without consequence. Now somehow it's up to me to turn all of that into peace. And that's hard to do. It's harder, anyway, than trying to hide the resentment and smile no matter what.
Like I said, I'm having a bad day. But it's almost over now and Tom, ever the distractible male, has moved on to pondering the meanings of several Latin-derived medical specialties. No, I don't need a nephrologist; I'll let you know if I do.
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1 comment:
I see both sides of this. On the one hand, I believe we should forgive people and always at least consider a second chance. I think too many times people are narrow sighted and walk away from something that could work itself out if they gave it some effort. Life isn't easy, and relationships are worth fighting for. On the other hand, betrayal is really hard to deal with. Honesty is huge to me, and when someone betrays you that pure sense of trust is lost forever. I think you deserve to bring it up sometimes because it is ridiculous what happened. He should know that he won't get away with doing this again and that it is serious. However if you think he has honestly changed then I guess you gotta forgive, and try and move on. I definitely wouldn't try and have another baby when this is so fresh on your mind. Good luck.
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