Easy Like Sunday Morning

Ahhh, Sunday morning. How peaceful, how tranquil, how completely full of shit that I should be doing but choose not to because society has instilled in me a false belief that Sunday mornings should be peaceful and tranquil.

I'm not completely lazy. I did my 20 minutes on the Gazelle. With weights. And, I'm proud to say, I only nearly fell off the thing, and only once, since the Gazelle is kind of harder to do when trying to coordinate lifting weights with a poor impression of cross-country skiing. Apparently the handles aren't just for show. And then I made my daily lunch of brown rice seasoned with soy sauce, and burned my tongue trying to choke it down because I kind of over-cooked it and it was all clumpy and sticky. And then I looked up TAIACS on imdb and then wandered the internet following random links until I found the newest Perry Hilton video. If you read the comments you will see that so many people don't get it. This is a PARODY of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, all of the better-than-you I love my fans, paparazzi-stalked, paparazzi-loving professional bimbos out there. TAIACS replaced "That's hot" with "That's tasty" , named his character Perry Hilton, and ran with it. Yes, the man mocking the dumb has a career made up almost exclusively of that very role. Yes, he's trying to be the next vapid pretty-boy "IT" actor in Hollywood, a la Brad Pitt Keanu Reeves Ashton Kutcher the list goes on and on. And yes, he may meet the same fate as that blond guy from Blue Lagoon. But he's semi-local here so I am biased to cheer for him succeeding rather than failing. Keep in mind though, that the Perry Hilton bits are hilarious. Not so much the Jeremy Piven one, but the other ones are dead on, as far as parody goes.

In case you haven't guessed, I'm not exactly writing the novel right now like I should be. I'm trying to figure out though, and maybe you can help me, are those girls who are size twelve but wear size four funny, or just pathetic and kinda gross? I mean, I realize the undeniable sex appeal an exposed fat roll gives off, but does that sex appeal have to fall over into the produce section at the grocery store? If shopping for fruit leaves pineapple burn on your belly, you aren't wearing enough clothes! And if the only thing holding your low-rider jeans on is that the waistband digs two inches into your hips, at least wear a long and loose shirt, not a spandexy tank top which rolls up into a sport bra all by itself. FASHION TIP: If your clothes roll anywhere by themselves, they are too tight for your body. If the size of your calves turns your socks into cotton knit foot condoms, buy bigger socks. If your belly jelly pushes your top up into the sweat-drenched fold beneath your boobs, buy bigger tops. If the idea of wearing anything larger than a size six bothers you, eat healthy foods and exercise. I don't like the idea that when naked, I look like an albino sea lion. So, I wear clothes that protect the public from that image and I Gazelle in front of a mirror in a sport bra and low-rider tracksuit pants. Maybe If I have to see what an albino sea lion with tattoos looks like, I will be motivated not to put the weights down even when it feels like I got hit in the arms and shoulders with a pipe.

Well, I guess I should now either write my novel or pick up the weights, a Jenna Jameson inspired endeavor the tale of which I no doubt will bless you with later. I wanted to leave you with a photo of an albino sea lion with tattoos wearing a sport bra, but no amount of googling could get me that image. So instead, I will leave you with the links to two photos, and an open invitation to please photoshop them at your will and then email them to me, and I will choose the winner and post the picture here. I fully expect that no one will do this, but I invite nonetheless.

Photo One: an albino seal on the beach

Photo Two: an albino sea lion reclining in a zoo (But if you use this one, please do something about the camel-toe. You can portray me as blubber with a head without offending me, but not as blubber with a head and exposed labia. It just crosses a line.)