You know that guy who tries too hard to be a badass? He tries to grow a goatee but ends up with only a few dozen scraggly hairs on his chin, and then lets them grow too long like he's starring in a all white-boy punk kung fu movie. He wears his hat pulled low like a gangster but he'd pee his pants if someone got out of the car to bitch at him in traffic. He wears baggy pants and struts like he's all that, but he has to constantly hitch up his pants while he walks and he wears boxer-briefs, or just briefs, instead of boxers. In short, he's a loser and that's all he'll ever be and he doesn't impress anyone and he just doesn't get it.
That's my ex. One of them anyway. But he's the one who, after not seeing his daughter in two years, sent me a text message in the middle of the night reading "Tag your it". That's right, he misspelled you're.
Every time I read about some punk kids breaking into a store and getting locked in, or a would-be robber getting beat up by an old lady, I think of him. Not that he's a criminal, just that he's that pathetic. He changed his brakes one time and forgot to go back around the lug nuts after the first pass of every other one and his front tires rolled off the car as he pulled away from a traffic light two blocks from his house. His battery died once with the power windows down and he locked the car to keep anyone from stealing his stereo.
In my defense, I had low standards and self-image problems when I got pregnant. But since I'm an all-around fantabulous gal, I wonder why it is that us hot brainy types sometimes end up with losers. I mean, why do we settle? Thank god I outgrew it. Why do the biggest losers, in jail or on probation for the stupidest things, have the hottest girlfriends? The thirty year old pizza boys, the garage band dreamers living in Mom's basement ten years after graduation, the single guys who go to the food pantry. How do they get women at all, let alone decent women? It must be pheromones.
And yes, I am hot. There's no picture on this page so you can't disprove it. And no leaving comments with links to pictures. I have to approve your comments and those won't make it.