Friday, March 06, 2009

Brains! Ikea!*

I can't watch horror movies. ANY horror movie. When I was in high school I watched the Elm Street series, and I tried to act like I was fine, but I outgrew the lie and now I don't watch them any more. I've tried to, with poor results. I saw "I Know What You Did Last Summer" when it first came out on VHS and for 3 years I swore I could see a fisherman in my hallway whenever it was dark. I would make trips through the house to avoid the dark. Walk from living room to bedroom, turn on bedroom light. Walk back into the living room to turn the light off, then run really fast across the hall into the lit bedroom, high-stepping it so nothing could grab my ankles.

I am not kidding.

Tom likes horror movies. He doesn't make me watch them anymore because I literally make him go to the bathroom with me. He has to walk through the hall with me to protect me, then stand by the tub while I pee, then walk back to the couch with me after. I make him stay in the potty with me because I don't trust him not to yell "BOO!" when I come out.

I don't have nightmares or anything. I just fear the dark, and behind and under the furniture, and behind doors, pretty much everywhere a monster or psycho could hide. And right now, on the TV behind me, is a zombie movie! Of all the horror movies ever made about anything, zombie movies are the worst. Probably because I grew up a block away from a cemetery. It was where we rode our sleds in the winter and played in the summer. But when it started to get dark I hauled ass back home because the cemetery, in case you don't know, IS FULL OF FREAKING DEAD PEOPLE! Zombie movies use this fact to make people who grew up near these corpse collections wet their pants.

And now Return of The Living Dead is on behind me and I can't turn around. Literally, I am too scared to move, lest I see some zombie tearing into someone. I mean, I'm not pretending to be anything but weak here. The Thriller video scared me, and that was before Michael Jackson got scary!

*it's from a book about zombies.

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