kids need to feel the doors behind them

I had an awesome childhood. The part that was left to me, anyway. Sure, there were bullies and snoopy elderly neighbors, and Mom grounding me for something every couple of weeks. But back in the eighties we had freedoms, and incentive to use them.  There was one TV in the house and we kids did not control it. But there were parks and playgrounds and bike rides, and ridiculously invented dramas to occupy our days.  My friend from up the street, Brian, and I kept busy for a week spying on a highly organized assassins' ring, at least until it got boring pretending that the squirrels were after us.  Long before I ever heard the name Boo Radley, I was dropping things into the hollow tree on Brian's front lawn. I imagine I fed plenty of feral cats and bats and mercenary squirrels a lot of Wrigley's spearmint gum (torn in half like my grandmother taught me) and the one transluscent white Lifesaver from the roll. I can accept red, orange, yellow, and purple, but not cloudy white.  Better that the mercenaries eat those.

I want my kids to have awesome childhoods, too. My daughter's on her way, but my sons are young.They need to be taught not just to think outside the box, but also to read the box once you've flipped it around. Sometimes it says "NOT FOR CHILDREN" anyway. So why the fuck do they want you inside the box? It's a bloody trap!!

I want my children to collect. For years when she was younger, Ryan collected Buddha figurines. Mostly fat buddhas, but sometimes the thin peaceful ones. It made it a little easier to shop for her.  Gave her something to enter in the county fair for a ribbon. And every once in a while she'd see one which would become a goal. A jade one, or a gold-plated one. It was a nice tradition.

My sons are 5 and 3. I think I could get the older one (Tommy) to collect Godzilla movies and merch, if he'll agree to be careful with it.   MY 3yo, if given $25 and left to pick his own toy no matter what, would pick fairies. Or princesses.  And I could run with that. I could contribute to his collection but could his father?  I don't know.  I just want my kids to feel safe here like I did. So they can feel okay riding their bikes to the park, or the grocery store for chips and juice.

I may have to kill the internet a few times and then bitch about mediacom until they get out of the house.

Top *** Best Movies Ever. In no particular order

1. Life As A House
2. The Big Chill
3. The Other Sister
4. Stranger Than Fiction
5. 
   

My baby girl

They grow up to damn fast.

Tom says it's true.

Tommy is grabbing his crotch while playing.
Me: Go potty if you have to.
Tommy: I don't have to.
Me: Then why are you grabbing your weiner?
Tommy: Sometimes a weiner needs a hug.

I'm okay, just boring

I haven't blogged in a long time, I know. And it's not deliberate; I just haven't had anything blog-worthy to talk about. Like has been plugging along, with a few notable milestones but not many. Tommy started kindergarten, Ryan has a date to homecoming this year (pix to come), we are almost done moving, and I took my position as VP of the school music boosters organization.  But I haven't really felt like writing anything, which is odd since I was inspired to blog about wanting a new laundry hamper. I'm weird that way. I'm not even making the kids' Halloween costumes this year.  But I am alive, and all is well. Maybe I'll run around the house and take pictures for y'all.

because undies on the floor are just tacky

You know what I want for Xmas this year? A dark brown wicker (real or faux) laundry hamper for my bedroom. It seems so stupid, and it's only $30 at Walmart, but it's exactly the kind of thing I won't buy myself. Because it is purely a luxury. It'll look nice, but a laundry basket, or cardboard box, or laundry pile on the floor will work just as well.  I'd like a dark brown wicker hamper, but I don't need one. And thirty bucks for a glorified laundry basket is a lot to pay for something you can't even justify for yourself. But I'd like to have it, and if it goes on sale I may buy it. But, man, would it be cool if my family bought it for me.

When do I cut my losses.

I bought a hammock and stand online, on a sale site, for $150. That's a good buy for a hammock and the stand. But then when it came, it was just the hammock. No stand.  And of course the order confirmation is long gone. So then I was on a different sale site and found a hammock stand for $60.  So I swallowed my miserly nature and bought it. Ryan spend half an hour in the back yard putting it together and then when she was finished she climbed in for a nice rest. And her ass hit the ground. So now I have over $200 sunk into this thing and I think I need a hammock pad for it, too. Is it even worth it anymore?

mmmmm. bitter grape juice

Tom: Whatcha doing?
Me: Buying wine online.
Tom: Why?
Me: I got a coupon from Cabela's. They want me to join a wine of the month club.
Tom: Uhhh, no.
Me: You can't tell me if *I* can buy wine!
Tom: Are you going to start drinking wine?
Me: Well, no.
Tom: Then why do you need it?
Me: I told you! Cabella's sent me a coupon! I'm saving money!

37

I started this blog seven years ago, in part to deal with the trauma of turning 30. Yesterday I turned 37 and I realized that a lot has changed since then. My mother's death is what finally made me feel like an adult. My hair is grayer, my face is starting to show wrinkles, I think my paunchy mama-belly is permanent, and I'm okay with all of it. I have no idea how big my fortieth birthday meltdown will be, but for now thirty seven feels right. Also, Tom bought me a black pearl necklace to go with my ring and two pieces of fenton hobnail glass "from the kids".

And I think it really says something about the effectiveness of my meds that I had a really great birthday yesterday, even though five hours of it was spent driving home from Omaha in a van with broken air conditioning.

The Orkin man now knows too much.

Tom: (in a big booming voice from upstairs) Charlie!
Me: What!
Tom: Come here!
Me: (as I stand up and start going upstairs) You know, when you yell for me like that, you kind of sound like my father yelling for me. It's very confusing sexually.
Tom: (by now right in front of me, shaking his head) I have the Orkin man on the phone. He wants to know when a good appointment time is.
Me: Oh.

This is generally how businesses get to know me as a client, actually.

I must have married for looks.

over the phone:
Tom: So then I'll just buy this carpet remnant.
Me: Won't it get wet on the way home?
Tom: Nah. It's not raining.
Me: But it's rain-y. And the sky is dark here in town.
Tom: It'll be fine. Don't worry.
.....fifteen minutes later....
Tom: Is it raining in town?
Me: It doesn't really look like it. Why?
Tom: Cars have their wipers on. Oh crap, I just drove into the rain! The carpet is getting wet!

How tragic that NO ONE could have predicted this.

Why DON'T yellow cats poop?

A conversation between brothers, standing over the sandbox.

Tommy: Uh oh. It was open over night.
Danny: I think cats pooped in it.
Tommy: I don't see any poop.
Danny: But there are paw prints in the sand.
Tommy: Yeah, but I think it was a yellow cat. And yellow cats don't poop.
Danny: Oh. Okay. (and then he climbed in the sandbox.)

Because they both have to do with imaginary men who watch you in your house.

The other day I bought three things for the new house. I purchased two mezuzahs and a What the shit?! wall graphic.  Here are my issues with these purchases. Completely unpredictable and in no way asinine issues. A) I can't read Hebrew so I don't know which way to hang my mezuzahs. And B) I'm not sure where to put my creepy stalker man graphic to ensure that it gets noticed but it's not in your face that it's completely lame. 

Why does spellcheck flag mezuzah? I think it may be anti-semitic.

It's a tiny pill. Easy to misplace. In my throat.

You know that feeling when you take your pills for the night but you're nowhere near being tired so you grab a Xanax, and then twenty minutes later you realize that you're still keyed up and you can't remember if you actually took the Xanax or not, so you start searching your kitchen trying to think of where you could have set the pill down because you have kids and pets and Xanax would be bad for either of them so you're tearing the place apart even though it's really hard to do because you're exhausted and that's when you realize that you did, in fact, swallow the Xanax?  No? Just me? Hmm.

I just want a monkey butler. Why is that too much to ask for?

I've found a monkey table I want. But it's $180.00, which is a lot of money to spend on a table that will drive Tom nuts and possibly scare the children.  Also, it comes pre-named, and for $180.00 I think I should get the right to name my own monkey table. I certainly wouldn't name it Winston, that's for sure. I think I'd name it Zac Efron. Zac Efron the monkey butler. I like it.

here kitty kitty kitty

1. I know for an absolute fact that Tom would not want me to get a new cat.
2. I know that Tom likes cats anyway.
3. I texted Tom to mention that I wanted to get a new cat.
4. Tom did not answer, thus squandering his chance to voice any opposition to a new cat.
5. Should I go get a new cat?

Conversation between me and Tom

Me: Hey I was reading in AARP magazine how you should invest in forever stamps to save money when the price goes up.

Tom: (distracted) Yeah.

Me: Which is why 200 stamps are coming in the mail. I'm offsetting the one cent price hike projected to come next year with a $1.72 shipping fee. Ironic that they charge to mail you stamps, isn't it.

Tom: (groan)

Me: Why do you always look like you have a headache when I tell you what I've done? You should come home every day and ask me how my day has been so that these things don't blindside you.

Tom: (incredulous look)

Me: For instance, the hammock in the hallway? That was an awesome deal! A hundred and twenty five dollars for a two hundred and fifty dollar hammock. And I know that was the original price because it was written right there next to the sale price. I didn't even have to price compare.

Tom: Mmm hmm.

Me: And did you know that right now we have 3 bath mats coming? Memory foam, Tom! They'll remember our feet! How could you not want that kind of service from your bath mat?

Tom: This is why I look like I have a headache when you tell me what you've done.

I hate platitudes

Pet peeve of the day: people who say happiness is a choice and then talk about endorphins. Either you believe that chemicals can determine mood or you don't, but if you do then give me the most basic level of respect and let me take the meds required for me to choose happiness. For some people jogging is enough, but for others, "Choose happy" needs a little help.

My Barbie Dream House

We're trying to buy a house. A larger house for our family, but a smaller place for us. Make no sense? Well here's the deal. The house is bigger, with a family room downstairs and an extra bedroom to be a toy room. But the master bedroom is much smaller than what we have now. And the master bath, ugh! They took about 2 feet off the end of the bedroom and built a shower stall on one end of it and a 4 or 5 foot closet on the other end.  In that closet they put a toilet facing a sink with a door in between. So when you go poo, you step out and bang your shin on the dresser. When you shower, you step out naked into the bedroom. And between the shower and the pee closet is a giant mirror and vanity just open to the room. We have to wall all that in at some point.  Also, the kitchen is smaller than our current one, but there's a dining room so it sort of evens out. Less cupboard space, a very small single sink so I don't know how we'll wash the pots too big for the dishwasher, and the fridge sticks weirdly far out into the kitchen. But it'll work better for our family and that trumps personal space. Ooh, and it's by the woods! Last night I bought a hammock online! A hammock! With which to flip my kids on the ground. Yay! And trees to walk around between and try to climb and fall out of. Lots of little boy things for my little boys. And Ryan loves to draw trees and can take long walks in the woods with her sketch pad. All around a good thing. So wish us luck on this house thing. The home inspection is in 4 days so if it's all going to fall apart, that'll be when.

Trapeze or clown car?

Years ago I worked at a convenience store and there was a lovely customer who came in every night with her teenage son to get a cup of coffee for her and a doughnut for him (free doughnut with coffee). I don't know why they were out every night at the same time, but they'd stop by and over the years we'd make idle chit chat. She had a very heavy accent (some sort of Hispanic accent) but we'd talk a little. Her older son had left with the circus right after high school. When I commented that I didn't think people really did that she looked confused. A lot of his friends had joined the circus after school because it paid so well and they gave you a place to live and you could travel. I agreed with her and every once in a while she'd come in happy because her older son had called her, or sent her a post card.

One night the teenage son came in alone to get the coffee and doughnut. When I asked him where his mom was he replied, "She's in the car with my brother. He's home for the weekend." "Oh, was he nearby?" I hadn't heard of any circuses in the area but I could have missed a poster or radio ad.  But nope, the brother had flown in with some of his friends. "Friends from the circus?" The kid looked confused. "Noooooo. No circus friends. Why?" "Because your brother's in the circus." Wow, what a clueless kid! Then he started laughing at me! His brother was'nt in the circus; he was in the Army. He'd left home to join the service, and no one but me had misunderstood before. He and his mother laughed about that for weeks.